Hi

its been two weeks tomorow since my neighbour went into cardiac arrest in his driveway and I did cpr resulting in him living instead of dying. It took a bit longer but he is now home.

He he has suffered some short term memory loss that his wife says they are certain he is recovering from.

I bounce between feeling guilty guilty for not doing good enough and crying sporadically because I just can't get the image of him lying there dead while I did cpr. It is pretty much all I think of. It was getting a bit easier to let go until he came home.

I was was spying on his wife when she pulled up and he stepped out of the truck and walked into the house. Never even glanced our way. Now I get it and I think I am ok with him not remembering yet that we saved his life. His wife said if you ask him why he is in the hospital his answer was " I think I hit my head".

What at I am having trouble with is I have not yet seen him since. I can't help but feel that if I could just say hi and have a short convo about the weather even I may feel better. If you google saving someone's life with cpr you read about it being amazing and life altering. My life has sure been altered alright. 24/7 I am thinking of it, replaying it etc. I wake up and I look out the window for ambulances.

Today while ole I was at work my husband did not respond to my text so I panicked that he had died alone with nobody to try to save him.

I would if if I could spy on them so I could just happen to be in the drive way when he was just so I could get the image of him from our last meeting out of my head but I don't want my family to know how crazy I am.

I have have watched every episode of greys anatomy I can remember that a popular character has died in just to help me cry. Apparently I only tear up when it's inapropriate

it is not as easy as just going over and knocking on their door as I never did this before and it would be awkward plus, I don't think people are supposed to overload him with trying to make him remember certain things. I would not know what to say. Yesterday I had no butter and I considered asking to borrow but that would have been too obvious.

One last thing. We had a snow fall two days ago and after it was done falling her brother and her nephew came and shoveled and plowed the drive way. Our bottom half of our driveway is shared and the brother and nephew only plowed there half. Would have taken them 30 seconds to do our half. I got really mad because when he was being treated in the drive way his wife called these exact two people over and the nephew was devastated, crying etc at what seemed like the loss of his uncle. I saved his uncles life and he could not be bothered to plow the bottom of my drive way.


I feel feel guilty for being angry but anger feels more sand than anything else I have felt for the last two weeks. I also feel guilty for that.

I suck!