you don't look sick

[Alysia]

We are special!

aw, yes, we are rare

[LisaT]

On a related but slightly different topic, how do you all answer the standard question, "how are you?" Or "How are you feeling?" I struggle with this one. For acquaintances or people I don't know, I flat-out lie: I'm fine thanks, how are you? When asked by people who are 'slightly aware' that I have an illness or two but don't know details, I keep it short but aim for something relatively closer to the truth: I'm ok; or, not too bad, or so-so. That feels like I'm asking them to ask me to elaborate though, and I don't necessarily want to, I am just tired of lying and pretending to be okay when I am not. When a closer friend or someone who seems to genuinely care asks me, I am honest but very brief: today is a good day, or I have a headache, thanks for asking. When a family friend yesterday asked me if we've all been well, I was stumped for what to say. The kids and hubby? Yup, all well. Me?!? While I wAs up and about looking 'normal' if somewhat dishevelled, I was sitting on the bench at the driving range watching dean and the kids practice their golf swings when I should have been in bed. My sister in law is in town and I wanted to be with her, and the kids had two different activities preceding golf, so we had to divide and conquer in any event. I settled on vague honesty: "eh... Depends on the day. Making it through..." Or something along those lines. He looked uncomfortable and changed the subject. Hmmm. Would lying be better? Does he think I'm a hypochondriac or complainer? He's a really nice guy who generally wouldn't judge or minimize someone's experience. I guess I should just not care what others think, but that's hard. I sometimes wonder whether the friends I no linger hear from don't call because I 'don't look sick' so they think it's all a figment of my imagination. Now trying to decide how much to share with my family about the fact that I'm nauseous, lightheaded, headachey, and in pain, and don't really feel up to going out anywhere....I guess I have to tell them because I don't want to push it. How does everyone answer, how are you?

[Alysia]

how are you?

o.k. thanks

[LisaT]

o.k. thanks

No matter how you truly feel? I just find it so isolating when I don't let on to anyone how I really feel. It shrinks your world.

[Alysia]

No matter how you truly feel? I just find it so isolating when I don't let on to anyone how I really feel. It shrinks your world.

That's me. keeping my privacy. I am telling how I really feel only here, to my psychologist, and to 2-3 close friends. no more. even to my parents I am not telling how I feel, mostly in order not to make them worried. besides, it takes energy to explain. I am saving my spoons.

[vdub]

....it takes energy to explain

That is certainly the truth!

I usually say "its a daily challenge" and leave it at that. I used to explain, but as Alysia said "it takes too much energy". I think it is a rhetorical question for most people and they don't really want an answer. By saying "its a challenge", I'm telling them things aren't OK, but not worth a discussion. If they, then want to carry it further with a follow-up question and they genuinely seem interesting, I have no problem talking about it.

[Pete]

My usual answer is, "Not bad for an old guy!" That generally gets a chuckle and little else. However, many of you can't use that line...

[jvilner]

I've learned that everyone has their own bag of problems. They might want to hear yours but they are too involved in their own. Only a few close people will listen but then you'll need to listen as well 😉

[jakekell]

I understand what your staying. I am not sure that people really want to know "how I am" I think it is really hard then they can understand how I could be that sick when I don't look sick at all. There is just no really good answer for a lot of people that ask. I usually just say having good days/bad day/let it go at that.

I figure if they really are concerned they will do what some of my friends/relatives have done look up wegs on the computer, which is very nice of them. I wish more would do it and we all might hear less "you don't look sick"!

Mary

[annekat]

With acquaintances who know I am or have been sick but aren't necessarily thinking about it right then, since I don't look sick, I say "I'm doing OK", to remind them that there could be something going on. If I'm really feeling rotten that day, I generally let on that I don't feel the greatest, although it could be worse. With strangers, such as customers, I almost always say, "fine, how are you?"