Funny Stuff

[Hammy8241]

Nought wrong with it Phil, still try this one.

This letter was actually sent by Tesco's (superstore like Wallmart) Head Office to a customer in Oxford:
... ...
Dear Mrs. Murray,
...
Whilst we would like to thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of his actions over the past few months, all verified by our surveillance cameras: · June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking. ·July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. · July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle. · July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an Official tone, 'Code 3' in Housewares and watched what happened. · August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.. · September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove. · September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could Help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' · October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it. · October 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle, asked an assistant if he knew where the Antidepressants were. · November 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the Mission Impossible' theme. · November 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels. · November 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!' · November 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.

And; last, but not least: · November 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here'

or ..

80 percent of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage.

[pberggren1]

Thanks Hammy. I see you have a good sense of humor as well.

[Dryhill]

COMMENTS WRITTEN BY KIDS ABOUT DATING & MARRIAGE

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
Martin, age 10

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich.
Pam, age 7 (she sure has got it all worked out)

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
Anita, age 9 (bless you child )

[mishb]

Sorry, still on the bubble wrap theme I couldn't resist with this cute "rude" joke ........ it's one of my favourites

3 Frogs get arrested at the local pond. The first one walks into court and up to the judge and the judge asks "whats your name" and the frog replies "frog one",
"and what where you doing by the pond frog one" asks the judge.
"Just blowing bubbles your honor",
"well that's alright you are free to leave".

The second frog walks up to the judge and the judge asks again "whats your name" and the frog replies "frog two",
"and what where you doing by the pond frog two" asks the judge.
"Just blowing bubbles by the pond sir",
"well that's alright you are free to leave".

So the third frog walks up to the judge and the judge says "let me guess, your name is frog three?",
and the frog replies "No, my name is Bubbles".

[pberggren1]

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
...
A well-dressed, attractive and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first, then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic.

Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."

[Sangye]

ROTFL....

[jola57]

Phil, this is just too much, you had me crying with laughter

[pberggren1]

Another Weggie on FB posted this. I just couldn't help but laugh.

[Dryhill]

Great one Phil.

[KathyB]

Hysterical jokes everyone! Nice way to start the morning!

KB