I don't know what to do. I'm really trying to be healthy and head down the right path ... but now my body is putting it's foot down and resisting my efforts. I feel .... terrible!!!!!! I'm nauseous but I'm only nauseous because I am terribly dizzy. My eyes feel like they are crossing and I struggle to focus.

But, when I emailed my doctor, asking if we could test to see if my B cells came back so I can do another round of RTX (it's been 7 months), she says I have to come down and see her and we will talk about "if" we do another round. WHAT? For six months I felt amazing. I was feeling better than I had in a long time ... why wouldn't we do another round? I don't care about what the potential long term side effects may be ... I only care about right the fudge now and how I get through day to day. It worked. It is the only thing that has worked!

I have an appt. w/ her on February 1st. I have my labs done on the 30th. In the mean time, I just feel absolutely terrible. I woke up throwing up the other night and the only thing we can think it is ... is that I have been having bloody noses overnight and I have been swallowing blood and mucous. I know about the bloody noses because every morning when I clear my throat, I spit up a wad of bloody mucous. YUM! I have joint pain again, which makes it hard to maintain this active lifestyle I've created for myself. And, I weigh 63 lbs less than when I did my last infusion so I have less weight on this body so don't blame the joint pain on that!

I want to go home sick from work right now because I keep spinning. I keep struggling to get my eyes not to feel like they are crossing. I get nauseous from the spinning room. It's just not fair.

I guess I just feel sort of trapped for the next 12 days. I've run out my sick time being sick with these dizzy spells over the last month. It's not like I can just go home.