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Thread: Wegeners Granulomatosis and Dating.

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    Default Wegeners Granulomatosis and Dating.

    Hi everyone,

    Lately, I have been looking into having a relationship again after being single for sometime. I had relationships in the past, but they never worked out.
    Some of the relationships ended because of common reasons. One relationship ended, because I was going through a flare up at the time.

    When the relationship first started, I have lived in Oklahoma for over a year, was in a medication free remission and have been for a couple of years. She was older than me, a single mother, and going to college. We were dating for at least a month before I told her that I had Wegeners Granulomatosis and I even brought her with to a doctors appointment. At first she was understanding about all of it and I answered all of her questions. Unfortunately, as time went by she would sometimes become upset with certain things, like joint pain and when I had a bad days then she learned that it part of the condition. Things changed after my first bad flare up after being diagnosed.

    The beginning of the flare up started up after we got engaged and was planning our wedding. I was going to adopt one of her son's and were planning having children of our own. Once the flare up started up, my doctor at the time started me on Prednisone to suppress my immune system, but things quickly started to get worse for me as time progressed. She began to become frustrated and scared while I got sicker and sicker. At one point, she called me a hypochondriac, said I needed to suck it up, and how I needed to there for the children both hers and when we had ours. Those words hurt me tremendously and being on Prednisone made thing worse for me physiologically. This would me always feel like I am doing things wrong and that she was always upset with me. The engagement was eventually broken off, our wedding plans were cancelled, and I moved out.

    When me doctor decided to use to completely suppress my immune system with Cytoxan or Methotrexate, but before that could happened. I needed to be given powerful antibiotics that required hospitalization. While in the hospital, she came to visit me. When she came into my hospital room, she finally understood that this was not in my head and this was a very tough time for me. Unfortunately, the damage was done and it is still hard for me to forget all of the harsh words. When back in remission, I decided to move Minnesota to get a job in the Information Technology field.

    We talked to he time from time and even had dinner when I was back in Oklahoma after my father passed away. With all of conversations and even dinner. The harsh words were never really brought up by either of us.

    After years of trying to have a relationship. Finding that the harsh words are stuck in my head. Effecting me when trying to talk to a woman and especially when the women has children. How are they going to handle it, when they are told I have a chronic medical condition and all things that go with it.

    My best friend has been trying to help. Suggesting activities, going on a dating website, reading a book on relationships, and trying to have me work out to lose weight. Currently, I am taking 20mg of Prednisone and 40 years old so losing weight is very hard. Granted I have gotten a few phone numbers recently, but never acted on them.

    Any advice for someone that has Wegeners Granulomatosis and dating?

    Greg
    Greg
    Diagnosed July 23, 1999

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    Quote Originally Posted by Gragnoc View Post
    Any advice for someone that has Wegeners Granulomatosis and dating?
    Greg,

    Finding the right person is not easy under any circumstances, usually it's compromise, communication and understanding. Get off your butt and call the phone numbers you got. Even if it doesn't look promising, a nice evening with the wrong person aint so bad. Besides that... in Minn she might say Oooof-Dah, and that's entertainment! Ya-sure-you-betchya.

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    Hey Greg,sorry this happened to you but things happen for a reason and unfortunately it was probably better than after you got married. The vows say in sickness and in health and if she wasn't willing to stand by you when you were sick,then she wasn't good enough for you. Maybe she wanted someone to care for her and her kids. Gary is right, call the #'s you have,if nothing works out maybe a can find a friend out of it.

    We all know how hard it is to lose weight,especially this time of year ( and being in the cold Minn. weather. But maybe you can join a gym or workout at home and REALLY watch the things you eat.

    Try not to let the things she said hurt you,like they say there are plenty of fish in the sea and the right one will come your way when you least expect it...............Take care
    Life isn't about how you survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain !

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    Quote Originally Posted by Debra C View Post
    call the #'s you have,if nothing works out maybe a can find a friend out of it.
    At the end of a failed first date be sure to ask if she has a sister. I crack me up. Sorry.

    Seriously tho, you gotta try before you can succeed. Also, we'd all enjoy hearing about catastrophic failure on first dates. Happens to everybody, humor required before and after and during.

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    C'mon Greg - call the ladies, go out and have a good time and, more importantly, give them a good time. Forget the Wegener's, forget your health problems for the evening - and DO NOT go in with any expectations, that would be deadly. And, if anyone asks for a reference, send them to this forum. We're rooting for you, but you gotta loosen up and give yourself a chance to enjoy life. Bring your Wegener's woes to us, we'll feel sorry for you so you don't have to. Just don't let Wegeners get in the way of living. You're young, and yeah you're going through a tough period - don't beat yourself up over it. As Debra said, there are many fish in the sea so start looking.

    By the way, are you seeing a doc at the Mayo clinic, or consulting with a specialist? I can't believe all they started you on was prednisone until you were in bad enough shape to need hospitalization. Make sure you consult with a Wegs specialist and have them coordinate your care with a local doc. Please, OK?
    Last edited by MaxD; 12-17-2015 at 01:00 PM.

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    You are a lot younger than me so the women you are trying to date will have a different reference point. Most will be working and expect that you be able to do the same. Ability to parent is also a main concern for them.

    With an unpredictable chronic illness like Wegs our prognosis is uncertain. Its true that so is the health of everyone else since anyone at any age can come down with cancer, a stroke, injury, or accidental disability that will drastically change their life style or even cause an early death. But most people, especially younger people seldom consider this possibility.

    If you can find some one that understands and accepts your uncertain health status and is will to take you and it on, then you have found a winner. When you are meeting or dating some one for the first time the general consensus on the dating sites is to not volunteer such info on the first contact. Find out if they are other grounds for compatibility and mutual interest in pursuing a relationship first. Then this info is likely to come up in one of the early dates when you are discussing your history, concerns, life styles, needs etc and full disclosure is then best policy. If they can't or don't want to date someone with such health issues, it is best to not invest anymore if you want a serious long term intimate relationship with one person. Many people can't handle the stress that comes from a drastic change in health for them self or their partner. My EX couldn't so I have been single for several years now.

    You can pursue, and some times attain a casual relationship or even a friendship with new people whether they be male or female since it is hard to have too many friends. But such friends may know they are not going to be your life partner, just a helpful friend but you can enjoy social activities with such friends and trying to maintain a social network is a good idea and best way to actually meet that ideal dream person who might view you as a good catch, even with Wegs and all. Happy people attract other happy people.

    I haven't found any such person yet but at my age most single women are widows and not interested in dating anyone. They may fear taking on the risk of losing another love in their life or life partner. But many are willing to accept you as another one of their casual friends.

    Since you are near a large metro area, there would be a number of social activities you can seek out, with some designed just for single people. These are usually much more productive than dating sites but there should be lot of prospects your age too on those for your area. The free ones would be an easy way to check this out for your area. The pay ones are often rather fraudulent according to my single friends and just trying to get your credit card info so they can run up a tab.

    Go out enjoy your life the best you can and some one who wants to share in your happiness might come along who is also willing to enjoy the sad times too. Good luck!
    Knowledge is power! Wisdom is using it to make good decisions!

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    Greg,hi. I'm not sure,but since some are saying how to meet people,thought I would chime in. Go to the food store,as much as possible. Buy a couple things at a time,that is if u have the energy to keep going back for the rest. Pick an aisle,and pretend you're into label reading,cause you're concerned with avoiding gmo and other fraiken food. Woman,and men are all over. Hang out in the frozen food section,near the Klondike bars! You saw Birdies fridge,in the picture. How do u think he always has a stash of Klondike bars? Deb. Thinking Birdie will be pissed at me,now........

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    Greg,all kidding aside,the one who is there through the hard,right off the bat, can u imagine how great it will be when things are better? Which they will be I'm sure... That will be the one.. I like what Deb said,and totally agree. So look at this as a strange blessing in disguise,in that u get to weed out some unworthy people pretty quick. Please know I'm not in anyway knocking this woman,or anyone. That's not my style. People r funny,everyone has their strengths and weaknesses.. I think serious sickness forces people to look at things they may not be comfortable with looking at yet.... Deb.

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    Hey Greg,
    I have recently made the opposite decision to stop dating as my disease is recently diagnosed and my situation is not looking so well but I am trying to remain positive. I can tell as I have been married twice and raised three boys that after two divorces and a broken engagement and plenty of dating over the past ten years of being single that you will be hard pressed to find a person that completely understands your situation. If you do find someone that is very caring and willing to take it slow then she is going to be a keeper. Many people say things they don't mean or understand. keep looking for the good in people and be positive. Don't stress out over what one person said as I can tell you I have heard plenty. You are a good person and once you get back into it let a date or dinner be just that and start out just having fun and trying to smile because it is all about you. Your needs are what this is currently about and don't be ashamed to say so. I could tell you some heartbreaking stories of love lost and all that but you know you need encouragement right now. Go get em, you have what it takes !

    Be blessed,
    James

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