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Thread: pberggren memorial thread

  1. #561
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    I miss my sweetie.... speechless...

    Alysia
    dx 2008


    Here, in this forum, I have found my sweet eternal love, my beautiful Phil.. :
    https://www.wegeners-granulomatosis.com/forum/threads/4238-pberggren-memorial-thread
    "You are my sunshine", he used to sing to me... "you make me happy, when skies are grey" I still answer him.
    Rest in Peace, my brave Batman and take care of your weggies from heaven, until we meet again.

  2. #562
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    Tomorrow it is 6 months since my sweetie stopped breathing.... since my soul stopped breathing...
    since that dreadful night, worst in my life...

    .... when at about 3 o'clock at night I heard knocking on the door of my room in the hostel inside the hospital. a security man stood there. "are you Alysia ?", "yes", "your boyfriend is in the ICU, you need to go there now". I asked him to wait and walk with me. I was shaking all over. he waited outside. I dressed fast. my bag was ready with my pred inside. I knew I might have to go fast. on the 10 min walk from my room to the ICU I continued to shake all over, without control, like freezing but from fear, dread.... the security man was kind and gave me chewing gum to help me to relax (I am shaking now when I remember that)

    when we get there, the bitch nurse, that gave my sweetie rtx not according to the protocol couple of days ago, stopped me before his room and said that I can't come in and need to go to the waiting room. I said: "don't be cruel to me. not now". but she was.
    I waited. a kind young doc, resident, blond, came to me. I was relieved that it was her. one of the mornings before when I, again, asked for WG expert to come, and a bitch doc said: "dr. Girard is on his case" I said: "I don't want to be rude but when was the last time that he saw Phil?" that blond resident smiled to me.
    so at that night she came. she said that about 23:30 he stopped breathing in his sleep. they put him on the breathing machine and sedated him. they wanted to check the levels of the blood gas (ca2) but had hard time finding blood vessels not "stucked". they said that he didn't feel anything.
    day and a half before he lost consciousness and after that I asked him what he felt and it was nothing so I was relieved to know that he didn't suffer. they said that his ca2 was above 140 which is crazy. when he came to the ICU it was 70 while normal is under 40.
    they asked me to call Phil's parents. I called them. they came very fast. (the day before they came to Calgary again)
    then the ICU main doc came. he said that they can make bronchoscopy. I asked if it can bring us a miracle. he said no.
    now they allowed us to get into the room.
    my sweetie was very white. wounded from all their failed trying to find a line. the machine is his mouth. the line in his neck. still beautiful like an angel and with his sweet smell. his hands that always were warm, were now cold. I knew that he was not there anymore even tough he was still alive. me and his mother held him from each side.
    the docs said that he might pass any minute or when they will stop the breathing machine.
    Phil's request was to have a priest giving him the last rites before passing. his priest came every day to the ICU and I had his cell phone number. I sent him a msg and early in the morning he was already with us. humble devoted kind man. he prayed the most beautiful prayer I ever heard, describing how my Phil is going to be welcome soon in heaven. with tears, embraced by Phil's parents we stood there near him.
    the priest said that if the machine helps him to breath they are not allowed to stop it. but if it "breath" for him, they are allowed. the dr. said it is the second option.
    after the priest went the docs told us to tell them when to disconnect him. I asked to give me couple of minutes to go and eat something, not to collapse totally.
    at the cafeteria, all tears, when I wanted to pay, I was told: "she paid for you". the blond resident dr. with tears. God bless her. I don't even know her name.
    then I was back and they disconnected him. in seconds he passed. so fast.
    all tears, I kissed him and said: "goodbye sweetie, I love you".
    he still had his sweet smell.
    Last edited by Alysia; 04-02-2015 at 04:18 AM.
    Alysia
    dx 2008


    Here, in this forum, I have found my sweet eternal love, my beautiful Phil.. :
    https://www.wegeners-granulomatosis.com/forum/threads/4238-pberggren-memorial-thread
    "You are my sunshine", he used to sing to me... "you make me happy, when skies are grey" I still answer him.
    Rest in Peace, my brave Batman and take care of your weggies from heaven, until we meet again.

  3. #563
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    Praying for you


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
    Faith.Hope.Love.
    Fighting Since 2008

  4. #564
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    Thank you, Alysia. I appreciate knowing more about how it was for you on that awful night. It's good for us who love you, and who loved Phil, to have a better understanding of the reality of it. That way we can better help carry the burden of the pain of it. Will be thinking of you and Phil's family on this sad anniversary.
    Last edited by annekat; 04-02-2015 at 07:03 AM.
    Anne, dx'ed April 2011

  5. #565
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    Oh my gosh Alysia, it's all heartbreaking to read about. I'm so sorry for your loss and for these painful memories. I'm glad you were with him even though it was so hard for you. You may have felt worse if you weren't there with him when he passed. We all know he's pain free and in a better place. Wish I could say or do something more to ease your pain. Thanks you for sharing with us. Hugs.
    Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly.
    - English proverb.

  6. #566
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    I have tears again. not just crying for Phil but crying for you and his parents as well.

    How quickly 6 months has gone, it really only seems like a couple of weeks.

    Thankyou for your words Alysia and I hope that you can make it through today with love in your heart and a smile on your face, knowing that Phil is no longer in pain and is where he wanted to be.

    Big hugs and much love to you
    Keep Smiling
    Michelle


    Live your life in a way that you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip - WILL ROGERS

  7. #567
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    Quote Originally Posted by mishb View Post

    How quickly 6 months has gone, it really only seems like a couple of weeks.
    Yes, it really does seem like only weeks ago he was here giving advice.

    I guess for Alysia it must seem much longer with all the grief she goes through everyday.
    Diagnosed April 1995

  8. #568
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    Thank you my sweet friends for being with me in my pain. it means a lot. I love you. God bless you.

    It feels both like it was just yesterday, and also every second of being without my beautiful Phil feels like forever-hell.

    I wouldn't want to be in any other place at that night, just by my sweetie, to make sure that his priest will come, to love him and hold him until his last breath. and after.

    Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, remembering that horror night and crying hard missing my Phil.

    Before I came to Canada, because of the difference in the hours, whenever I had a bad dream and I was waking up in the middle of the night, I was writing to him through my Phone and he was always there for me, with kind sweet words, in seconds he knew how to calm me down and I was going back to sleep, feeling his sweetness embracing and protecting me.

    And then in Canada, I never slept so well as the nights with him. and then when he was addmmited to the hospital I didn't want to leave him. I slept near his bed on a couch for 5 nights. when a nurse said that I should not sleep there I told her that she will have to bring the Police if she wants me not to be by my sweetie also at nights. so she backed off.
    Then I slept in the hostel inside the hospital, 10 min walk from him. (fast walk, I walked fast every morning to be with him). but we were funny because when I said goodnight and went to my room we also chatted before sleeping and I asked him to write to me any news so if I was waking up in the middle of the night I checked his msgs to my phone... he was so sweet, leaving me msgs like: "going to pee, thinking of my sweetie pie" or msgs about his sats during the night, and in the mornings, msgs like: "when r u coming? I miss u like crazy".

    I miss him like crazy.

    now I wake up in the middle of the night to a cold dark world without him....
    Last edited by Alysia; 04-06-2015 at 02:11 AM.
    Alysia
    dx 2008


    Here, in this forum, I have found my sweet eternal love, my beautiful Phil.. :
    https://www.wegeners-granulomatosis.com/forum/threads/4238-pberggren-memorial-thread
    "You are my sunshine", he used to sing to me... "you make me happy, when skies are grey" I still answer him.
    Rest in Peace, my brave Batman and take care of your weggies from heaven, until we meet again.

  9. #569
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    Even though it was very hard on you, of course you should have been nowhere else. It is very fortunate that you were able to be there for him during those weeks, that you could pay for the plane tickets, take time off work, all of that. The loss of Phil is tragic for many, especially for you and his family, and hard to make sense of. But it was a blessing that, if it had to happen, the two of you were allowed that time to be together.... so much better than if he'd died without ever having known that happiness. If only it could have continued longer and he had gotten better. So much sadness to contemplate, it's hard to comprehend. Love to you.
    Anne, dx'ed April 2011

  10. #570
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    Thank you so much Anne. what you wrote is beautiful. I love you.
    Alysia
    dx 2008


    Here, in this forum, I have found my sweet eternal love, my beautiful Phil.. :
    https://www.wegeners-granulomatosis.com/forum/threads/4238-pberggren-memorial-thread
    "You are my sunshine", he used to sing to me... "you make me happy, when skies are grey" I still answer him.
    Rest in Peace, my brave Batman and take care of your weggies from heaven, until we meet again.

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