pberggren memorial thread

[Alysia]

Happy Birthday in heaven sweetie ❤


On earth we can't imagine how glorious is it right there where you are now, and what a wonderful birthday you are having up there in the presence of Our Lord.


"But, as it is written: That eye hath not seen, nor ear heard: neither hath it entered into the heart of man, what things God hath prepared for them that love him". (1 cor 2:9)


I am happy for you sweetie. I know that you are where you belong to, and where you allways longed for.


Eventhough you already have the most perfect birthday, I still want to give you a birthday's gift, the gift of my love for you.


I try to send it to you, beyond the time and space that separate us....


... Time has stopped moving the same, at the moment you flied high... it feels both like yesterday and like thousands years ago... thousands years of missing you, of longing...


Space is even more incomprehensible... you are so far away, in another land, another universe.. I can't see you or visit you...


but -


I can call you. I do.


And then, beyond all that space that separates the livings from the dead, you come to visit me... you are right here near me, especially when I need you the most. Thanks sweetie.
So I can tell you how much I love you. And you can feel it...


... With or without words, beyond all time and space, I simply give you my heart.. it is warm and melting and overflowing... and it is beating and calling your name.... it is yours.


... from now (also before) and forever.


Happy Birthday my sweet sunshine. I love you to inifinty and beyond ❤

[Alysia]

Sweet memories... 3 years ago

2014-07-10 13:06 Alysia
Delay of about an hour and half so far. There were rockets here in city near
Take care my sweet love ❤


2014-07-10 13:13 Alysia
More delay. Not starting the flight yet. Rockets near


~~~~~


Never weary of telling about my first trip to my sweetie....


3 years ago, I was sitting in the crowded Ben Gurion Airport, waiting for my flight to Canada... to hold my beautiful Phil for real, for the first time. It's a trip of at least 24 hours door to door but the first one was even longer...


while I was waiting at the airport all the airplanes were still on the ground because of 3 succesive attacks of shooting missles from Gaza at the airport. There was a war in Israel at that summer. Not in the area where I live, thanks God (I live in the north) but at the area of Tel Aviv. The Hamas from Gaza targeted the only international airport in Israel at that same day.


"Eventhough I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for thou art with me".


I was not afraid. I knew that, even if not for me, God loves my sweet Phil, and he will bring me to him safely. I trust God.


After long delay we were on the plane, with change in the trip, landing in Ireland for fueling. They were afraid to fly under the attacks with a full tank. I didn't care much. Being a spoiled weggie (just kidding, I need to keep my spoons) I took my flight at Air Canada's buisness. They have the best beds. The food looked disgusting (especially the Kosher ) so I ate some bread, took a sleeping pill and went to sleep.


sweetie, here I come...


We arrived at Tornoto in a delay of more then 3 hours, which meant that I missed the second flight. My sweetie was already on his way to Regina to pick me up from the airport. It was about 22:30 at Toronto.


2014-07-11 04:53 Alysia
Next plane only tomorow morning


2014-07-11 04:56 Phil
It is okay my love, we r almost in regina


2014-07-11 05:32 Alysia
Do you have your nebuliser and meds with you ?


2014-07-11 05:49 Phil
Everything is ok, see you tomorrow


I slept in a hotel in Toronto only about 2-3 hours. Being SO excited, getting closer to my sweetie... and at about 04:00 I was already on my way back to the airport.


2014-07-11 12:08 Alysia
I am at the airport eating breakfast not going to miss the flight


2014-07-11 13:25 Phil
We will be there, no worries


2014-07-11 13:34 Alysia
I am on the plane will hug you soon ❤

~~~~~




and then... when I was off the airplane in Regina airport, going on the second floor I saw you, my beautiful Phil...
I was running down the stairways, faster then the wind, jumping into your good arms...
Sweetie, you were more beautiful for real then on skype, the most stunning, handsome, good looking man ever on earth ❤
your embrace was a perfect fit... after all we were born to love each other... and your sweet smell was the best I ever inhaled... no woman ever was so blessed and joyful as me, being in your good arms... ❤


I was so excited and being clumsy by my nature, by mistake, I flipped off one of your hearing devices. So sorry, sweetie. But you were patient with me and gentle. Later you will be amused each time you will witness my clumsiness


We still had a long drive to the batcave, but the minute I was with you, I was in heaven...


Next time that I will be coming to you, my sweet love, I will have to climb the stairs up, to buy me stairways to heaven... you will come again to pick me up, and to hold me in your good arms again.. and never let go ❤

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[annekat]

Aww, Alysia, such a beautiful description of your journey and finally seeing Phil. Thanks for sharing your texts. And I had to laugh a little when you said you are clumsy... So am I, and it seems even more so since having Wegs. I have seen other Weggies mentioning this on the forum. Big hugs and love to you!

Sent from my MotoE2(4G-LTE) using Tapatalk

[Alysia]

Aww, Alysia, such a beautiful description of your journey and finally seeing Phil. Thanks for sharing your texts. And I had to laugh a little when you said you are clumsy... So am I, and it seems even more so since having Wegs. I have seen other Weggies mentioning this on the forum. Big hugs and love to you!

Sent from my MotoE2(4G-LTE) using Tapatalk

Thank you SO much Anne. You are so kind & caring and I love you ❤ thanks for understanding how it feels like to be clumsy. For a clumsy, and not only, you did amazing art works. I have 2 left hands

[Alysia]

Chest tubes....


On his last weeks on earth, my sweetie had 3 chest tubes all at once: number 7, 8 and 9.


This time of the year brings back many memories from the time we spent in the hospital...


Those scary hours of waiting in the corridor, near the closed door, usually of the CT room, while they inserted another chest tube trying to help my sweetie's collapsed lungs....


With tears, shaking heart and prayers so strong that my muscles became sore...


And then that moment when they called me into the room and told me with awe and amazment how courageous my beautiful Phil was. He never complained. Not a word. Not even a sigh while they made their way between his ribs and into the lungs withough sedation, only freezing of the area.


After they called me into the room and told me how amazing my man is, I saw him. He allways smiled at me. No matter how sore or tired he was. Pale and covered with pink fluid but smiling and making jokes with the docs, the nurses and with me. He knew best how to make great jokes at some greatly tough hours. he made me smile back and laugh. I know that he did it to cheer me up. He cared for me, seeing me worried. So sweet and caring allways.


...And that SOS chest tube which started at around 22:30 Saterday's night... they didnt finish it all untill around 03:00am. My sweetie was so exhausted and he just fell asleep sitting while the nurses struggled to attach all 3 chest tubes to their devices.


.....They let me in when they took out chest tube number 5. I put on a gown and mask and gloves and held my sweetie's warm good hand, while they took it out. I was amazed how long it was. Later we were sorry that we didnt ask to keep it for memory.


Chest tube number 9 was the only one which was inserted when I wasn't there. I was there in my spirit, with all my heart, mind and soul.


Chest tube number 4 was in his back. All the others at his chest.


Most of all, I was amazed few months after my sweetie passed, when I have found out that my sweetie's chest tubes (except for number 4) were inserted at the same place in the chest, were Jesus had his fifth wound, where the soldier pierced him.

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[Alysia]

More memories from this time, 3 years ago...

To my sweetie,


My sweet Phil, I remember that day of your haircut in the hospital like it was yesterday.
You just got another chest tube (number 8) after the one from the SOS night have failed. They moved you to another room closer to the nurses station. Your breathing became so much worse that they will soon put you on a higher exygen with a special oxygen device.
Meantime, your hair which grew, needed a haircut. All the nurses love you and all were willing to take care of you. One of the nurses knew how to cut hair. Daryl brought us a machine. The nurse and I covered you with gowns, to make sure that no hair will get into the dressings of the 3 chest tubes that you already had. You were so cute sitting envelopped with yellow gowns all over up to your neck. Then she cut your hair with the machine.
Oh my, you allways looked so handsome and gorgeous, but after this haircut you took my breath away even more, with your beauty, sweetness and cuteness, the most stunning good looking man I ever saw, with your big good blue eyes and cute melting smile, But most of all with the beauty of your sweet pure full-of-Faith soul. I love you, my sweet sunshine, allways and forever ❤

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[Alysia]

This time of the year, 3 years ago, my sweetie's last weeks/ days on earth.. my heart is full of memories, full of tears, full of longing, full of love.


It was a very rough time. We were in the ICU. My beautiful Phil was fighting to breath all the time, even on the higher oxygen.. his beautiful forehead was covered with sweat from the effort to breath, and I wipped it every few minutes with little towels which became wet so fast..


we searched for the best way to treat him. As sick as he was, Dr. Phil was still the best wg Dr. ever. We had many questions and our fellow weggies on fb and in the forum were so amazing. They gave us so much info, wise advices, support and love. We were embraced by our weggie commmunity from all around the globe, such dear friends.
I can never thank you enough, our weggies friends. I pray for you all, May God bless you and reward you for your great kindness.


At the docs visits I insisted that they will bring him wg expert (they didn't), that they will fight for him. Some of them did. Some didn't.
For a long time after his death I was mad at them.


~~ "Then came Peter unto him and said: Lord, how often shall my brother offend against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith to him: I say not to thee, till seven times; but till seventy times seven times". (Matthew 18:21)


So I prayed to be able to forgive them. Not sure how much I did already, but I keep on praying. Praying for the docs there to treat their patients much better. And for me to fully forgive them.


I didn't take pictures of my sweetie in the ICU. But as sick as he was, (now I understand that he was dying), he was still the most handsome, beautiful, stunning man I ever saw. His big beautiful blue eyes looked bigger and brighter. He was fighting to breath and every word costs him, but he was still the sweetest loving sweetie ever. He expressed his love for me in the sweetest way; "To the moon..." he said and smiled at me, "to the sun"... his cute melting smile, "to infinity"... we both smiled.."and beyond".


His warm good hand was my security. When I held his good hand (and I held it for days, many hours a day) I felt like nothing bad can happened to us.


~~ "And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep."


Our very dear Fr. McDonnelle came almost every day. He prayed and gave phil Holy Communion. Phil was shinning in a special light after recieving it, and both me and Fr. McDonnelle were amazed from him. Phil suffered greatly but he never complained. He was so amazing with his burning Faith, his peace and surrender to God's will.
On his second day in the ICU, Fr. McDonnelle came for the first time, so Phil made his confession and got his last rites. He told me at that day (on the phone, it was before I came again) that he is ready to die if this is God's will for him. I couldn't let him go. But it was not up to me. I prayed so hard..


Phil used to ask me to pray him allways.


~~ "Someone once asked St. Padre Pio why he prayed for the happy death of his great-grandfather who had died many years earlier. He said he could do this because, "for the Lord, the past doesn't exist; the future doesn't exist. Everything is an eternal present those prayers had already been taken into account. And so I repeat that even now I can pray for the happy death of my great-grandfather." "


So I still pray for my sweetie every day.
I know that he is praying for me and for all of us. Until we meet again.

[gilders]

Can't believe it's been 3 years.
RIP Phil

[Alysia]

We almost lost him today. That over sleeping was not a good one. He continued to be very sleepy. The ICU doc came to the room to talk with me in perfect timing. God sent him. I saw that my sweetie's sats are dropping for no reason. I talked to him and he didnt respond. At that point the ICU doc and the team started to work on him. I was shaking and crying and praying, thinking that he is dying. And then he was back.

Tough 3 days here .... yesterday, today & tomorrow - my sweetie's last days and hours on earth....

[Alysia]

3 years ago.... Sep 30 (2014) was a scary dramatic day, God took my beautiful Phil for few seconds, and gave him back to me, for another day and half on earth.


We had scary and frustrating days in the ICU. The last 3 days my sweetie was very sleepy, drowsy when awake, foggy. He ate almost nothing.


Our very dear Fr. McDonnell came. Holy & humble man, God bless him. Dear Fr. McDonnell came almost every day during those weeks in the ICU. Each time he came for more then an hour. First he said a prayer. In Latin and in English. Then he gave Phil Holy Communion. Then he was sitting with us. Talking. He was our best friend on our most dreadful days. With his wisdom & compassion and tremendous kindness & caring. Each time he brought us an interesting story and bible verses to lift us up, to strengthen our Faith. Before he went, he said another prayer. Dear Fr. McDonnell brought us Faith and Hope. I am forever grateful to him. I thank God for sending him to us and I pray for him everyday.


Fr. McDonnell was also very worried, seeing Phil like that. Phil could hardly talk, he worked so hard all the time just to breath, like running non stop on a treadmill in a crazy speed. Sweating all the time. I changed little towels to wipe his beautiful forehead, they came totally wet. Its amazing how beautiful he looked through all those sufferings. His good blue eyes so beautiful and big and pure. His sweetness melting my heart in each & every moment.


After Phil have received Holy Communion he was able to sit a bit higher and to talk for a bit. His face was shinning in a special light. We didn't know at that time, that it will be his last "food" on earth.
Fr. McDonnell told us that on the cross, Jesus too, hardly breathed. Before he left, Fr. McDonnell gave me his cellphone number and asked me to update him and to call him at every hour.


About an hour later (15:00 Calgary time) the ICU dr. came to the room to talk with me, as I asked before.
God sent him in a perfect timing. It was a matter of seconds. Greeting the coming dr., while always checking Phil's sats, I saw that the sats are dropping down for no reason. I asked: "Sweetie, what's happened ?" Phil didn't answer. I saw that his eyes were rolling. At that point the ICU dr. called his team and very fast they started to work with a balloon mask, to revive Phil. A kind lady, respiratory therapist, made it. She was a good one.


I can't tell how much time it took. I stood there, shaking all over, crying, praying so hard........


And Then my sweetie was back.


We all smiled in relief when after Phil was back, he fixed his "ears" to hear better the questions of the dr. He was always totally cute when he fixed his ears.


He was still on the verge of "sinking" back to unconsciousness and I held his warm good hand and asked him to squish it all the time, to respond. To stay awake. He was a good boy. He held my hand for hours since that moment.


In the meantime they tried to insert line to check his blood gas. They poked and poked, deep, and in vain. It took about 3 hours until they were able to insert a line, one in the leg.


I held his hand and talked to him all that time, to make sure he remains with us. The room was a mess, lots of blood everywhere.


At a certain point (around 18:00) Phil asked through the mask of the Bi pap: "Did I have a rough day?" It turned out that he remembered and felt nothing from the last 3 hours.
I told him what happened. I remember his wise look, through all the mess around, with bleeding hands and legs, above the bi pap mask, the wise look of dr. Phil, thinking about it all. Calculating the situation. And then holding my hand tight, this time not only for him but for me as well. He knew how I felt. It was not only me holding him. It was him holding me, not less. His good hand, always gave me the feeling of security, "nothing bad can happen to us, if I just hold your hand, sweetie".


I didn't want to go to sleep until I couldn't stand anymore, but I made sure that Phil was in good hands. There was a respiratory therapist whom I trusted and he promised to watch my sweetie closely.


On my way to my room I praised God.
I though that the worst is over.


"Praise the Lord, O my soul, in my life I will praise the Lord".


(Psalm 145:2)