A public apology

**marta** · 03-09-2014, 05:55 AM

I just wanted to take this moment to apologize for being a knob.

I let history and my emotions get the best of me and said things that were completely unacceptable on a public page or anywhere else for that matter. I am ashamed and embarrassed of my actions, and there is absolutely no excuse for my behaviour. You are all wonderful people and none of you, not one, deserve to see, read, hear the words that I was spewing. There is history that many (most) of you don't know about, and little things that seem completely innocuous to a bystander got me going, but that is not an excuse or a reason to behave the way I did. In my own defense I did say I am not looking for a fight, but I let myself get pulled into one.

I am sorry!

I asked Andrew to remove me from the forum and he hasn't yet. Thanks Andrew. If he doesn't I will take a leave of absence from here and focus on what I can do to get us closer to a cure. I want to focus my energy on trying to affect positive change rather than what happened here this week. I have to tell you that on that day, I felt the worst I have felt in years. Years! I spent the whole day in tears and feeling such great loss that my body hurt all over. It's gotten better over the last couple of days, but I still am crying when I think about it or as I write right now. I'm not a cold calloused female dog like I came across on here. I promise. Ask any of my friends.

This place use to be my place of safety, comfort and answers on how to stay alive in a somewhat unbearable situation, Wegener's. I am sorry I took that feeling away from you but I'm also sorry that feeling got ripped from me. I have promised myself to keep an eye on the target and on the positive and avoid the negative and I failed this week. I hope you forgive me and let me back one day. In the mean time, I'll go out there and try to do us right.

Thanks to you all for being there for me and each other in our crazy life moments.

Marta

**Alysia** · 03-09-2014, 06:08 AM

Dear Marta,
you touched my heart with your words. in hebrew we would call you now: "bigger then life".
everyone here has his moods, because of the tough times we are going through with our bloody disease, because of who we are, because of life....
each one express it in his own way. the most important thing is that we all respect each other, no matter what. that we care for each other and that we are all fighting together this wg-dog....
I am relieved that you are coming here again with a peace gesture. thank you !
I am sending to you my best wishes for full recovery and better days.

**renidrag** · 03-09-2014, 06:16 AM

Not too long a vacation I hope. All your videos were great, bet you had a grand time. Now go skiing.
Dale

**pberggren1** · 03-09-2014, 01:14 PM

Apology accepted. I certainly forgive you Marta. One person will not see eye to with another on every topic. That's just the way it is. I'm sorry you let this eat a way at you. I have always liked you and always will like you. So please stay on the Forum and let the past be.

**Alysia** · 03-09-2014, 05:46 PM

thanks Phil. thanks again, Marta. it means a lot to us to have peace here. time for group hug....

**mishb** · 03-09-2014, 05:46 PM

I, personally, didn't even feel that there was a need for an apology.

As I said before, we all love you Marta. With so many people on here, not everyone is going to see eye to eye at all times - it's only human.

Andrew, please don't delete Marta........she is an integral part of this Group and we already miss her when she stays away so long

**Debbie C** · 03-10-2014, 05:43 AM

I guess I missed it...I hope it wasn't something I said ??? But Marta,you can not leave the group, I don't even know what a knob is ( it must be a Canadian thing !! ) but we all love you here and we all have our moments and then it's past.Take time out if you need to get yourself better and do what you need but you bring so much knowledge and laughter here that it would be a shame if you left us totally

**HopeinTN** · 03-11-2014, 05:02 AM

DON'T GO! We have teamed up with Andrew and it just won't happen. Get to feeling better!

**ingemlb** · 03-12-2014, 06:36 PM

Marta I think it was brave of you to apologise. I had to learn a few years ago that Autoimmune disease can affect your brain and cause panic attacks, paranoia and all sorts of emotional aberrations. Before I became so ill I considered myself quite stable and emotionally in control. In fact I had no understanding of how others couldn't stay cool calm and collected. Then when it started striking me I had to humbly accept that there were times I over reacted, panicked and even made up things I THOUGHT people were THINKING about me and read those into carelessly spoken words which were never intended to hurt me but boy hurt they did and I totally flipped out. If I was alert enough to recognise it I would swallow a valium and that would calm me down. In the end I told all my friends ... if you find me behaving out of character gently ask if I had taken my medications or if I needed to swallow a valium to relax.

Then a few weeks ago Mr Pred came along and here I am a 63 year old woman bursting into tears at the most ridiculous moments. Tiny things in hospital would upset me irrationally. Or a phone call even. I would ring someone to ask something and before I knew couldn't talk for crying. First time it happened I was talking to the receptionist of my ENT specialist about the timing of an appointment for goodness sake. I don't think she knew what had hit her. I had to tell my friends who talked with me over Skype should I ever go silent it would be because the microphone got muted when yet another weeping attack overcame me. In hospital it took a bit longer to get hold of a valium

One of my friends has had several emails explaining I would quite understand if I was becoming a total bore and they needed a break from my constant chatting. Those emails are fired off when my mind has imagined all kinds of slights and issues that never existed. My friend and I laughed about it the other day. I am glad my friends are understanding.

And here on this forum we all have our ups and downs and if WE CAN'T UNDERSTAND then how on earth can we expect those not afflicted to understand us?

My niece is ill too and she was going through a total emotional over reaction the other day and I said ... take a deep breath then find a Valium go to sleep and tomorrow your paranoia will have subsided. She agreed with the deep breath and we were able to laugh a bit both knowing how quick these moods can take us over.

For me I don't think anyone here needs an explanation Marta. The important thing for all of us is to make sure those not afflicted who have to live with us and deal with our moments are told how it feels and how we can't help it and what they can do to help us when disaster strikes

If my dear friend had taken any of the emails seriously I had sent I would be devastated as I value the friendship and it has often been a lifeline for me to spend some time forgetting that I am ill and having something other than symptoms and diseases to think about.

Take care and like everyone else has said ... don't stay away