There are not many people in this world that understand how I am feeling. With that being said, I am so grateful to all of you and this place because you are the only folks out there who truly get this.
I'm not sick on the outside. Aside from my gnarly neck scar and the prednisone weight gain, I still have a full head of thick hair, am still here at work a million hours a week. The only indicator I seem to have that I feel lousy is my cheeks get bright red. One of my friends pointed this out to me the other day. She can see it in my eyes and my cheeks start flaming. But ... she's a friend of mine so she knows everything and wants to know what's going on.
Others? Yea, not so much. It's the typical reaction to chronic illness. People's eyes glaze over when I am talking or they change the subject. I say people ... but it's not everyone. Because, I learned quickly not to talk about it. Not to mention that I am not feeling well. I learned to keep a smile pasted on my face even when I am absolutely miserable on the inside. I crack jokes, I smile, I laugh. I do everything I can to be the regular person I was before all of this.
It's frustating. People get upset about things in their lives and they get to vent about it. They get to be rude and mean and snappy and generally upset. They get to have reactions about it. Why don't I? When I am having a particularly crappy day, why can't I come in and say "Today just freaking sucks!!!"
I can post a status on Facebook like that, I can vent in my blog. It's not the same as being able to have a genuine vent session with a person. It's hard to keep all this bottled up sometimes. It's not helping how I'm feeling I am sure.
I don't know. I think I'm just angry right now because I had to sit here tonight, feeling awful, trying to keep from bleeding out through my nose and listening to someone gripe about so many things ... and then I feel like .... ..... why can't I vent?!
I'm like a steam pot ... or a time bomb. AHHHHHHHH!
Anyway, I just wanted to vent about this unable to vent-ness to the people who understand. I will shut up now.
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