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Thread: my vent to myself.... dont care if anyone reads or not..

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    Default my vent to myself.... dont care if anyone reads or not..

    first off just incase anyone trys to read. i am at a life changing blow up point my fuse is lit!! now its lets see how long my fuse is. anythin i say here is my opinyion and how i feel at this second in time and is in now way ment to hurt anyone in any way. my spelling sentence format even thought prosses will be all over and i am not going to put energy into fixing it. so if i happends you were warned.

    they say to start at the begining. but the never say begining off what there so much in my mind and heart i just cant seam to grab one and hold on to it long enuff to prosses. i look back at my life and see the same misserbal circles happening over and over and im done. i get told and tell people when there down to look at the posetive espeshaly when its hard to find i know this boy do i no this its one of the few things i absolotly no. i have my daughter and shes the only thing i worrie about the most is her i have had scott talk to me about being suacidle was not in a positive manor and did not make me feel better. i think he just might like to say it who no i dont. he like so as me do you feel like offing your self yet? or im suprised you have not off your self by now. ooo that make me feel so good. i dont think it would make anyone feel good but i am stupid and dont know nothing and dont do say feel or think like i am saposto or right its my emaganation its me making up ****. well i cant say to myself if i am or not i feel and beleve i am not. my i am wrong and stupid. but yep lex if i did not have her honastly being real to myself i would have killed myself by now i tryed and failed before i would not fail this time. the piont is i have her so its only a fleeting thought one in a great wile.
    "My daughter is closer to me than my skin.. she is the arteries to my heart.. she is my life line.. The reason I breathe.."

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    Hi,
    I read.
    Im new here so I dont know anything about you.
    would you tell more ?
    I understand your beautifull daughter is "holding" you around... ?
    what are you going through ?
    Alysia
    dx 2008


    Here, in this forum, I have found my sweet eternal love, my beautiful Phil.. :
    https://www.wegeners-granulomatosis.com/forum/threads/4238-pberggren-memorial-thread
    "You are my sunshine", he used to sing to me... "you make me happy, when skies are grey" I still answer him.
    Rest in Peace, my brave Batman and take care of your weggies from heaven, until we meet again.

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    as i walk threw this house getting more sprite with ice sence the only things i can drink besides a coke slurpi makes me throw up. i see how in just 4 days has turne into a mess i cant even or want to try to put into words. as of the 4 days ago i had the house as clean i a can get it now a days its not my clean that i use to do 4 years ago when i got wg my cleaning has gotten alot slower and take my nomal rutin takes three times longer but i can only do what i can do. i think to my self the house was clean home made from scratch stake pot pie, and 6 from scratch angel food cakes made. the mess cleand up scotts and lexs belly full. mine not i dont eat. not because i dont want to but i have no appatite i dont get hungry when i do remember to try to eat i take one maby to bites and there it is the puking feeling. no more food for me, and thats only food i dont have to chew cant for get not sweet or to hot or cold sence one tooth in the top back on one side of my mouth has fallen apart and on the top and bottom of the other in the back is the same. o well its my emagenation so o well i would think thow that after that then getting up with lex getting her off to school then spending the time untill i get her from school running erands and making phone calls and taking grandma for surgery and apptments then up to her house every 4 hr to put drops in her eyes. when 3 days ago i crash mentaly and physacly had not sleeped in 7 days not becuse i dont want to just because this is what my body does to me. i crash and not one thing gets done i am tired of scott hidding in the safe shell of work, sleep, and negativaty, i dont have the energy to try to constanty battle your moods to try to make u feel confadent happy well as happy as you let yourself get to feel suported and nothings wrong. and of trying to be told anything but you are willing to here is not there and i realy am hurt tto find out all these people fam frends what ever dont realy care i am not suprised but am hurt there was me hopping and having fath in some one. scott you allways tell me you cant trust anyone and theres no having fath in anyone or thing they will just let u doun well its finaly suck in your right. but then u new this i am stupind and dont know anything sorry i forgot
    "My daughter is closer to me than my skin.. she is the arteries to my heart.. she is my life line.. The reason I breathe.."

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    It is too much. not in imagination but in reality. all of it.
    and not sleeping is terrible.
    I know it is hard to rest when feeling all this... if you succeed it will help I believe
    It is good that you are writing...

    I must go now , sorry, but when Im back i will read what you write and write back to you.
    meanwhile. sending you big hug
    Alysia
    dx 2008


    Here, in this forum, I have found my sweet eternal love, my beautiful Phil.. :
    https://www.wegeners-granulomatosis.com/forum/threads/4238-pberggren-memorial-thread
    "You are my sunshine", he used to sing to me... "you make me happy, when skies are grey" I still answer him.
    Rest in Peace, my brave Batman and take care of your weggies from heaven, until we meet again.

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    rite now asking me to describe whats going on is like asking someone to pick up descrip the ins and outs of every peice of sand in the desirt. one instans leeds to another they say thigs in the past are better buryed i dont know how to if they done and want to to constanty say im sorry do things to make up for it emotionaly and by doing things or givving money even if you dont have then you better go give blood if not your a son of a b**** and it just keeps going and going i am futher in dept to them in all ways but i am never doing it the right way its not good enuff. i cant. when they look at me and ask how r u and i say im fine i get in trubble for lieing then i have to do everything to make them feel better because how dare i make them sad or upset. i will try to list some thing to give you an idea'
    "My daughter is closer to me than my skin.. she is the arteries to my heart.. she is my life line.. The reason I breathe.."

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    I am sorry you are feeling like this and sorry that Scott has decided that things are too hard.
    It's not fair.
    It's not fair that you got stuck with this terrible condition.
    It's not fair that you haven't got family to turn too.

    What you do have is Lexie.
    What you do have is the need to keep going for your grandmother, the need to keep going for Lexie and the need to definately keep going for yourself.

    What you also have is US. We (someone, somewhere, in the World) are here for you.


    Is it just your teeth making you not be able to eat, or are you in a full blown WG flare?
    Are your medications still working the way they should?
    When is your next doctor visit?

    I wish I was in your part of the world to give you a helping hand, someone to talk to and a big hug.
    Keep Smiling
    Michelle


    Live your life in a way that you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip - WILL ROGERS

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    1. i have not talk to my side of the fam for almost a year because of this and other stuff.
    the onlyone i talk to or viset is my grandma larue or rue, lex has larue as a middle name its alexcia larue suzanne dillard.
    to this day scott says he hates me and is still pissed at me for putting it any were in there even thow suzanne is his sister who died that he is verry close to. story for another time. you talk to them is gets blown up twisted so ur a pece of crap and more and more as time and people it gos to. you ask them about thay or some lie you catch them in your a pece. and they still dont own up to it or admits it not u have to beleve it or your a pece. but i am sapos to tell truth and agree to everything even if its them lieing to someone else. you have more or better things or life going good u have to give it and more to them sore there life and stuff is better than the jones. everyone even my so called husband i feel are acting like i need to be or act like i was before i got wgs even better then i am a pece. then they tell me to let them know if i need anything so when i ask and now for a year have even scream it to the hell i have cryed and begged for help. and nope nothing no anserws no help. the docs are no help theres no saport group around here i have looked till my fingers were blistered from calling and thats just the calling part but nope theres not. cant see a therapest it cost money. i have two friends i am not related to by blood or marradge and one first thing she jumps to and is her insested answer is get devorced well there a biger prob that just him, the other is my sister in law i was the bff with hes her boyfriend so thats out. thats why i decided to vent here and dont care if anyone reads or not. and truly thank you for taking time out of your life and doing so. ty
    "My daughter is closer to me than my skin.. she is the arteries to my heart.. she is my life line.. The reason I breathe.."

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    what truly crapy is everone is constaly jumpimg on the speep yes its true sleep is needed and good as long as like scott your not hiding in it. but when i do get good restfull sleep i still feel this yas humm dont no i have no ansers. the docs say blood work and all looks good. now they do want me to were o2 at night, but i have to redo test they finaly got my results after almost 2 years, another long story that led me here but for another time. so if they were resent the plan would be o2 at night and see pulmonolagest and get lung test dont there fear is wg related lung crap. but the results are not currant so wating to hear from docs. when i found this out i dreded telling scott but i did and he threw a fit not going into right now. but man it so made me feel good they need to bottle that stuff and sale it. i hurt all over, but i cant seem to ged my meds down all i am sapos to take in a day let alone at right times, when i can my body not as bad. the docs say it sucks but to early to try another iv.
    "My daughter is closer to me than my skin.. she is the arteries to my heart.. she is my life line.. The reason I breathe.."

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    now as for grandma yes i have her and my heart bleeds for her, one of the many reasons i am not talking to my side is they have sat here and done nothing to help. debbie the woman who says she gave birth to and loves, but she says as they all do that they love rue. rues 89. they use all her ssi to pay bills, branch to so many other storys. well they let her agin sit a week without all the proper meds they cant make a phone call to fix, but aslo a week with out her potty under were. she has needed hearing aids, and glasses to get glasses she needs catoracs surg, both eyes. all this she needs for 15 years and they do do nothing but all are liveing with and off her and in with her from now back till they were born. so i get fed up and get a car that ac and heat works. get her in car and in two months got meds, most of past and present med bills fixed, two hearing aids, and one eye done. monday we do other. shes 89 has lost both her houses. and all of her belongings are in a storage shed in another state for 3 or 4 years now. debbie got a car, man so many storys. and in the two months she had it took granma out side twice. now car gone, but gma and i get out even if scott is mad and so one over me spending for luch for her and i. but the gas.. humm more storys. well i dont call what debbie calls love, love but then i am stupid and its my emagenation
    "My daughter is closer to me than my skin.. she is the arteries to my heart.. she is my life line.. The reason I breathe.."

  10. #10
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    Hi,
    you are taking care of your daughter and grandma, so well. and you deserve to have someone who will take care of you, with love and sesitivity and respect...
    Im sending you my caring with hope for better days.
    continue to write. i believe it is good.
    Alysia
    dx 2008


    Here, in this forum, I have found my sweet eternal love, my beautiful Phil.. :
    https://www.wegeners-granulomatosis.com/forum/threads/4238-pberggren-memorial-thread
    "You are my sunshine", he used to sing to me... "you make me happy, when skies are grey" I still answer him.
    Rest in Peace, my brave Batman and take care of your weggies from heaven, until we meet again.

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