Funny Stuff

[drz]

One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.


"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

[Sangye]

LOL He's as clever as the Wegs dog.

[Sangye]

http://ihasahotdog.files.wordpress.com/2011/01/0e8f28d1-d548-4cd8-8144-6d904ae015a5.jpg (http://www.wegeners-granulomatosis.com/forum/%3Ca%20href=)

(http://dogs.icanhascheezburger.com/)

[drz]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to

the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will

be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and

pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man

says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?"

asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and

a salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and

places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,

sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change

in your pocket every time?"


"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and

found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered

me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,

I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money

would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a

million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want

for as long as you live!"

"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact

money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick

with big eyes and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."

[elephant]

Love it Drz!

[drz]

it has been a tough winter!

822

[drz]

hand dancing video.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iANRO3I30nM&feature=player_embedded

[drz]

"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!" The irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, "Oh my, so that's why no one was at church today."

[Sangye]

LOL All very funny. :thumbsup:

[drz]

If you are a senior you will understand this one, if you deal with seniors, this should help you understand them a little better, and if you are not a senior yet........God willing, someday you will be......
The 2.99 Special

http://mail.google.com/a/dishmail.net/?ui=2&ik=376b512a6a&view=att&th=12d44191a640aa58&attid=0.1.1&disp=emb&zw

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.

'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'

'Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.

'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.

'YES!' stated the waitress.

'I'll take the special then,' my wife said..

'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.

'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied.


http://mail.google.com/a/dishmail.net/?ui=2&ik=376b512a6a&view=att&th=12d44191a640aa58&attid=0.1.2&disp=emb&zw


She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.



DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!
They have been around the block more than once!

[drz]

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we
didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand....
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook..
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
_________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
________________________________

[Sangye]

http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2011/01/00d6a079-6444-4a0c-a391-7a7531f9e143.jpg (http://www.wegeners-granulomatosis.com/forum/%3Ca%20href=)

(http://icanhascheezburger.com/)

[drz]

How to annoy people when it snows!


http://www.wimp.com/janitorrevenge/

[Sangye]

priceless :laugh::laugh::laugh:

[drz]

MY LAST TRIP TO COSTCO

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-outline when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.What did she think I had an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do,on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care,because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's behind and
a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

[Sangye]

ROTFL... :lol:

[drz]

ROTFL Thank you for these!! :lol::lol::lol:

I am glad you feel well enough to get a chuckle out of these. I wonder how many people read these jokes.

[pberggren1]

I am glad you feel well enough to get a chuckle out of these. I wonder how many people read these jokes.

I read them all the time and send them on to other people.

[elephant]

Drz, I read them and they are fantastic! I am going to try the dog food too. :)

[julia]

Love the jokes I email most of them to others. I love the dog food one.

[Sangye]

This is the first thread I check each day!

[drz]

11 PEOPLE ... ON A ROPE
Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.

10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one
had to leave, Because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very
touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a
woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men
in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping . . . . .

[drz]

I tried to upload a wmv file but it doesn't seem to work for me. Is it possible to attach this type of file to a message here?

[pberggren1]

I tried to upload a wmv file but it doesn't seem to work for me. Is it possible to attach this type of file to a message here?

I don't even know what you are talking about.

[drz]

This might work for those prednisone rage moments:




Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day,
And you just need to take it out on someone,
Don't take it out on someone you know,
Take it out on someone you don't know,
But you know deserves it.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered
A phone call I'd forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying
'Hello..'

I politely said,
'This is Rick
Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear
'Get the right f***ing number!'
And the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number
To call her,
I found that I had accidentally transposed
The last two digits.

After hanging up with her,
I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled
'You're an asshole!'
And hung up.

I wrote his number down
With the word 'asshole' next to it,
And put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks,
When I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up and yell,
'You're an asshole!'

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced,
I thought my therapeutic 'asshole'
Calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said,
'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.
I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our
Caller ID Program?'

He yelled
'NO!'
And slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said,
'That's because you're an asshole!'
And hung up.

One day I was at the store,
Getting ready to pull into a parking spot.

Some guy in a black BMW
Cut me off and pulled into the spot
I had patiently waited for.

I hit the horn and yelled
That I'd been waiting for that spot,
But the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window,
So I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later,
Right after calling the first asshole
(I had his number on speed dial)
I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said,
'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

He said,
'Yes, it is.'

I then asked,
'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

He said,
'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd. , in Fairfax
It's a yellow ranch style house
And the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked,
'What's your name?'

He said,
'My name is Don Hansen.'

I asked,
'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

He said,
'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said,
'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

He said,
'Yes?'

I said,
'Don, you're an asshole!'

Then I hung up,
And added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem,
I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea...

I called asshole #1.

He said,
'Hello'

I said,
'You're an asshole!'
(But I didn't hang up.)

He asked,
'Are you still there?'

I said,
'Yeah!'

He screamed,
'Stop calling me'

I said,
'Make me.'

He asked,
'Who are you?'

I said,
'My name is Don Hansen.'

He said,
'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said,
'Asshole, I live at 34 oak tree Blvd., in Fairfax ,
A yellow ranch style home and
I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said,
'I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.'

I said,
'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,'
And hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2.

He said,
'Hello?'

I said,
'Hello, asshole,'

He yelled,
'If I ever find out who you are...'

I said,
'You'll what?'

He exclaimed,
'I'll kick your ass'

I answered,
'Well, asshole, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police,
Saying that I was on my way over to 34 oak tree Blvd, in Fairfax , to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 7 News
about the gang war going down in oak tree Blvd in Fairfax .






I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .

I got there just in time to watch two assholes
beating the crap out of each other
in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter
and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.

[drz]

It could happen to any of us...
This is so funny; I hope you enjoy it.

$5.37! That's what the kid behind the counter at Tim Horton's said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Lifesaver. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the worst thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupified. I am 56, not even 60 yet? A mere child! Senior citizen?

I took my food and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind.

"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing.

That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus.. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my coffee, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"

All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"? At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Assistance benefits..

Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list.

Notice the larger type? That's for those of us who have trouble reading.

P.S. Save the earth...... It's the only planet with chocolate!!!!!

[drz]

Can your dog do this?



[video]http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=P9Fyey4D5hg

[NicShaf]

Ahhh, from the mouths of babes…..A school teacher had twenty-five students in her 3rd grade class. She presented each child the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. This must be one of the rewards to being a teacher….

1. Don’t change horses….until they stop running.
2. Strike while the……bug is close.
3. It’s always darkest before…..Daylight Savings Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of…..termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but……how???
6. Don’t bite the hand that……looks dirty.
7. No news is….impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a……Mr.
9. You can’t teach an old dog new…..math?
10. If you lie down with your dogs, you’ll….stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust…..me.
12. The pen is mightier than the….pigs.
13. An idle mind is….the best way to relax.
14. Where there’s smoke, there’s….pollution.
15. Happy the bride who….gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is….not much.
17. Two’s company, Three’s….the Musketeers.
18. Don’t put off ‘til tomorrow what….you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and….you have to blow your nose.
20. Children should be seen, not….spanked or grounded.
21. If at first you don’t succeed…..get new batteries.
22. You get out of something only what you….see in the picture on the box.
23. When the blind lead the blind….get out of the way.
24. A bird in the hand…..is going to poop on you.
25. Better late than…..pregnant.

[drz]

(1) Waking Up for Church
One Sunday morning a mother went in to wake her son
and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."
"Why not?" she asked.
"I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them."
His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church. (1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!"

[jola57]

Lol to all of them

[drz]

I was told I can't shovel any snow so:


834

[Terri]

Hey drz...maybe you should put a patent on it and make some money.lol:w00t:

[drz]

Hey drz...maybe you should put a patent on it and make some money.lol:w00t:

I mail this pix to several friends and everyone loved it. A couple thought it might be real and one wanted to know where to get the parts to build one.:tongue1:

[Terri]

I think it is a great idea.:thumbsup:
If my Dad were still living he would do something like that. He had the capability to do inventions such as that. He always had the attitude "where there is a will, there is a way" My brothers have that same talent.

[Terri]

-






PITTSBURGH






WHAT'S THE BIG
DEAL ABOUT STEELER FOOTBALL?

Being a Steeler fan means so much more
than football. It means being from a corner of the world unlike any
other.

It means being from a place where the people are so
tough-minded that they have survived the Homestead strikes, the Johnstown
flood and most recently the Etna Floods. These people have the DNA of hard
work, in mills and mines, without the necessity of complaint. They live
simply, with no frills. They don't have movie stars or fancy
cars.

Instead, they have simple traditions like kielbasa, Kennywood,
and celebrations. They live in distinctive neighborhoods like Polish Hill
and the Hill District and all of the surrounding counties. These people are
genuine.

They don't have chic internet cafes and cappuccinos, but
they have The Original Hot Dog joint, Primanti's, Eat n' Park and Iron City
Beer.
People from Pittsburgh don't have sunny beaches or fancy boats,
but the rivers roll gently, connecting the small towns of people whose
histories have been built on strength and humility.

People from
Pittsburgh don't have the biggest shopping malls or the best nightclubs, but
they'll take Friday night high school football and Steeler Sunday over
anything.

Steeler football means so much more than you think. It
symbolizes a Diaspora of generations who had the best childhood they could
imagine.

They ran free without a care or concern in the valleys of
those Allegheny Mountains . Their blue-collar world was easy ... there was
no one to tell them that they lacked material things. There was no one to
tell them

that they needed more.

As the steel mills closed and
the jobs disappeared, some of these people had to leave. While the world
benefits because they spread their Pittsburgh values, they long for their
home where things were simpler and more pure.

They teach their kids
about Jack Lambert, Lynn Swann, Terry Bradshaw, Franco Harris, Jack Ham,
L.C. Greenwood, Joe Greene, and Myron Cope in hopes

of imparting not
just the knowledge, but the feeling that they represented.

They are
everywhere, those Terrible Towels. They wave, not just for the team, but for
the hearts they left behind.

They wave in living rooms in Fort
Lauderdale and in the bars of Washington , D.C. They wave all the way to the
Seattle Superdome! They wave for the Rooney family, whose values mirror our
own - loyalty, grit, and humility.

They wave for football players
like Jerome Bettis and Hines Ward, whose unselfishness and toughness have
allowed sports to be about the game and the team.

Make no mistake
that Steeler football is not just about football. I could not be prouder to
be from the Pittsburgh area than I am right now!!
Even if you no longer
live in the area, you have South Western Pennsylvania in your blood no
matter where you go.

And deep down in your heart of hearts, you can
still hear the Super Bowls of times past, the excitement in everyone's
voices especially our fathers, cousins, and anyone else who gathered around
the TV on Football Sundays!

Make no mistake, its just as exciting
right now! It's not just about rivalries and who is better than the other,
it's about family, tradition and

roots! It's more than football, but
its football at its finest! If you now live in Arizona , Colorado , Ohio ,
Indiana , California , Florida , Nevada , or Texas , be proud of where you
were born and who your FIRST favorite football team was!
Go
Steelers

Picksburgh GO STILLERS! Ah yes!
"Picksburgh"

Yunz is from the Picksburgh area or maybe you grew up
there if:

1. You didn't have a spring break in high school.

2.
You walk carefully when it is "slippy" outside.

3. You often go down
to the "crick."

4. You've told your children to "red up" their
rooms.

5. You can remember telling your little brother/sister to stop
being so " nebby."

6. You've gotten hurt by falling into a
"jaggerbush".

7. Your mother or grandmother has been seen wearing a
"babushka" on her head.

8. You've "worshed" the clothes.

9. I
ask you to hand me one of those "Gum-Bands" an' you actually
know

what I'm talking about.

10. You know you can't drive too
fast on the back roads, because of the deer.

11. You know Beaver
Valley , Turtle Crick, Mars, Slippery Rock, Greentree and New Castle are
names of towns. And you've been to most, if not

all, of
them.

12. A girl walks up to three of her girl friends and says,
"HEY,YENZ GUYS!"

13. You hear "you guyses" and don't think
twice. Example: "you guyses hause is nice."

14. You know the three
rivers by name and under stand that "The Point"

isn't just on a
writing instrument.

15. Someone refers to "The Mon" or "The Yough"
and you know exactly what they're talking about.

16. You remember the
blizzard o f 1993 (or 1976, or 1950, or 1939,
or...) and remember not
being able to go outside because the snow was over your head and you would
have suffocated.

17. Someone starts the chant, "Here we go
Still-ers!" and you join in.

In the proper cadence, waving the
appropriately colored towel.

18. Bob Prince and "There's a bug loose
on the rug." hold special meaning for you.

19. You've either eaten a
Farkleberry Tart or know someone who has.

20. You drink pop, eat
hoagies, love perogies and one of your favorite

sandwiches actually
has coleslaw and French fries ON it.

21. You know what a "still mill"
is.

22. You expect temps in the winter to be record-breaking cold and
temps in the summer to be record-breaking hot.

23. You know what Eat
'N Park is and frequently ate breakfast there at 2:00 AM after the bar
closed and made fun of people.

24. You order "dippy eggs" in a
restaurant and get exactly what you wanted.

25. You spent your
summers, or a school picnic at Luna Park , Kennywood, Westview, Sand Castle
, or Idlewild.

26. You've been to the Braun's Bread Plant or Story
Book Forest for a school field trip. We went to the Heinz plant and the
Isaly's plant for Cub Scouts.

27. "Chipped ham" was always in your
refrigerator when you was growin'up.

28. You refuse to buy any
condiments besides Heinz unless a Pittsburgh athlete's picture is on the
side of the container.

29. When you call the dog or the kids you
shout, "Kum-mere" and they come.

30. Franco, Roberto, and Mario don't
need last names and you can recite their exploits by heart.

31. Food
at a wedding reception consists of rigatoni, stuffed cabbage, sauerkraut and
polska kielbasa.

You'll send this on to family and friends who used
to live in the Pittsburgh area as well as to those who have never lived
there, just so they

can appreciate how different western PA really
is. Wonder how many of yinz guys actually understood all dat? Some folks
just don't.



(Just in from a wonderful IUP coop teacher over
in Johnstown .)

It's winter in Pennsylvania
And the gentle breezes
blow
Seventy miles an hour
At twenty-five below.

Oh, how I love
Pennsylvania
When the snow's up to your butt
You take a breath of
winter
And your nose gets frozen shut.

Yes, the weather here is
wonderful
So I guess I'll hang around
I could never leave
Pennsylvania
'Cause I'm frozen to the
ground!!

[pberggren1]

That is very nice Terri.

[Terri]

Everyone has a town they are proud of and maybe you have to be from Pa. to understand this one, but it is so true.:biggrin1:

[drz]

It's all about what you think "normal" is...
Cold is a relative thing

65° - Arizonans turn on the heat. People in North Dakota plant gardens.
60° - Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in North Dakota sunbathe.
50° - Italian & English cars won't start. People in North Dakota drive with the windows down.
40° - Georgians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats. People in North Dakota throw on a flannel shirt.
35° - New York landlords finally turn up the heat. People in North Dakota have the last cookout before it gets cold.
20° - People in Miami all die. North Dakotans close the windows.

0° - Californians fly away to Mexico . People in North Dakota get out their winter coats.


10° below zero - Hollywood disintegrates. The Girl Scouts in North Dakota are selling cookies door to door.

20° below zero - Washington DC runs out of hot air. People in North Dakota let the dogs sleep indoors.
30° below zero - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. North Dakotans get upset because they can't start the snowmobile.
40° below zero - ALL atomic motion stops. People in North Dakota start saying..."Cold enough for ya?"


50° below zero - Hell freezes over. North Dakota public schools will open 2 hours late.

[elephant]

Ha, Ha too funny.

[drz]

Nice singer sings about memory issues. Humorous :flapper:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HzSaoN2LdfU

[drz]

Subject: Travel Warning


For all my friends in snowy, icy places this winter.

The Government has issued a travel warning due to the cold weather.

They suggest that anyone traveling in the current icy conditions should make sure they have the following:

Shovel
Blankets or sleeping bag
Extra clothing including hat and gloves
24 hours worth of food
De-Icer
Rock Salt
Flashlight with spare batteries
Road Flares or Reflective Triangles
Empty gas Can
First Aid Kit
Booster cables






I looked like an idiot on the bus this morning!

[Sangye]

LOL I'd be too embarrassed to tell you how many times I had to read that to get the joke. :rolleyes1:

[drz]

LOL I'd be too embarrassed to tell you how many times I had to read that to get the joke. :rolleyes1:

Did you get the chuckle you needed for today? I thought it was funny which is why I posted it here. i can just imagine somebody trying to carry all that stuff onto a bus and I start laughing.

[marta]

I think it is a great idea.:thumbsup:
If my Dad were still living he would do something like that. He had the capability to do inventions such as that. He always had the attitude "where there is a will, there is a way" My brothers have that same talent.

My dad is like that. He 'invented' a lawn edge trimmer that was bigger than a lawnmower. It was hillarious. Mom and I were inside the house watching him when he tried it out for the first (and only) time. He started it up. It was loud - very very loud - smoky, and very heavy. Once it started the edging wheel - a round blade that looked like a wheel - started turning and dug into the lawn and took dad for a ride all over our front lawn at very high speed. He couldn't stop it, and it 'trimmed' our entire lawn where it didn't need to be trimmed/edged. Mom and I have never ever laughed so hard. Once he turned it off, he brought it straight to the garbage area, came in, didn't say a word, poured himself a whisky and sat down in front of the TV.

Good times.

[Sangye]

ROTFL Marta.

[drz]

At the risk of offending any blonde readers I will try post a blonde joke.

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO CHICAGO WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION, AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO CHICAGO , AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS WHO BELONGS IN ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO CHICAGO , AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN, WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."


HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY," AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.


"I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO CHICAGO '."

[Palmyra]

:thumbsup: I am blond and proud! (OK, what is grey/blond?)

[drz]

This one would be just too funny but
It just all depends on how you look at some things..

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California , was doing some personal work on her own family tree.. She discovered that Senator Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor.

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory:
http://f657.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f2614%5fAGEJDUwAAPtaTU3oQg1pgVWfMD U&pid=2&fid=Inbox&inline=1
On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'

So Judy recently e-mailed Senator Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle. Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:

"Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory . His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."


NOW THAT's how it's done, Folks!

[Sangye]

ROTFL Priceless! :thumbsup:

[Sangye]

http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2011/01/265a9632-024b-4207-9213-ebf70a3a0efb.jpg (http://www.wegeners-granulomatosis.com/forum/%3Ca%20href=)

(http://icanhascheezburger.com/)

[drz]

The Ventriloquist A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in New Brunswick .With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little guy on your knee!"

[drz]

Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders
EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:
I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.

Just put yourself in my hands for one year, said the shrink. Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears...

How much do you charge?
One hundred and eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor.
I'll sleep on it, I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having? he asked.

Well, one hundred and eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!

Is that so! With a bit of an attitude he said, and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?

He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!
FORGET THE SHRINKS..
HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!

[drz]

Deserving Payback


A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded

Rome ?:
Why would anyone want to go there?It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome .So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser... " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further... I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class.. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors from time to time, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really!
What'd he say ?"

He said: "Who the heck did your hair?"

[drz]

I love this one!

BEST TRUE LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE, AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURY

This took place in Charlotte , North Carolina .. A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.' The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued - and WON! (Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA ......
NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS WE'RE NUTS

[drz]

Need a laugh today!

HOME REMEDIES !!
THESE REALLY WORK !!
I checked this out on Snopes and it’s for real!

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TOHOLD THE VEGETABLESWHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR AFEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.


DAILY THOUGHT:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRINGA SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

[drz]

Interesting kinetic sculpture that look alive and move on their own!

Man creates kinetic sculpture that moves and lives on its own.
(http://www.wimp.com/kineticsculpture/)

[chrisTIn@]

Wonderfull Drz!
I saw this 'Kinetic Artist' before, but it's still nice to see his creatures moving in the wind...:cool1:
I used to live close to that beach.

[Palmyra]

YouTube - An Engineer's Guide to Cats (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mHXBL6bzAR4)

[drz]

A woman had fifty yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As she sat down, a man came along and asked her if anyone is sitting in the seat next to her.

"No," she said, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

Somberly, the woman says, "Well... the seat actually belongs to me. I was supposed to come here with my husband, but he passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we have not been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that, that's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The woman shakes her head, "No, they're all at his funeral."

[drz]

My 1 day employment

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,
a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day....

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,
unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or stupid?'
So I replied,
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice.Have a good day and thank you for shopping at
Wal-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.






CELEBRATE, IT'S A GOOD LIFE!

[drz]

This man was in a bar about as drunk as it's possible to get.
A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and take him home. First they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he lives, but he keeps falling down.

He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.

After they get to his house, he falls down another four times getting him to the door.

His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, "We brought your husband home."

The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?

[coffeelover]

Yes...Today in Southern Minnesota it is barely 40 degrees and I have all my windows and doors open:biggrin1:

[coffeelover]

But it is 40-50 degress warmer than it was a few days ago

[pberggren1]

Same here Lisa!

[Daggar]

I've found myself doing today what Holly's doctors told us not to do... looking back (I believe I may of stolen Hal's motto). Took a 14 year old to point that out and she sent me one heck of a link!! This is truly amazing!

Orangutan and the Hound (http://5thworld.com/Paradigm/Postings/%21Wisdom/OrangutanAndHound.html)

[drz]

THE GYNECOLOGIST WHO BECAME A MECHANIC

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork,
and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be
beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college,
signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully
for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back,
he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he
called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding
result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"


"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was
worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is
also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra
50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in
my entire career.

[Sangye]

ROTFL.... :lol::lol::lol:

[chrisTIn@]

Took a 14 year old to point that out and she sent me one heck of a link!! This is truly amazing!

What a wonderfull story, of the Orangutan and the hound! I showed it to my 21 year old daughter, who is as fond of animals as I am. Thanks for posting this. :smile1:

[Sangye]

Wow, missed the Orangutan and hound-- thanks for pointing it out. That's amazing.

[drz]

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad.... After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

[Daggar]

With apologies to those of us who are blond, who were blond,
or who might become blond......



The Grandmother of all Blond Jokes

This blond decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these
blond jokes and how all

blonds are perceived as stupid. So, she
decides to show her husband that blonds really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to
paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her
husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task

at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of
paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the
floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy
parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks
her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she
replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are
dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She
replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it
Said...

You'll love this...

I know you will...
.
..
..
..
"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."

[drz]

The blonde jokes are funny but here is a post proving that such people do actually exist and they live among us. SO some day when you are having a prednisone moment, or the brain has a bubble because of low hemoglobin, or you can't focus because of hypoglycemia---think of the following true stories:

THEY WALK AMONG US…

IDIOT SIGHTING
I handed the teller at my bank, a withdrawal slip for $400.00
I said "May I have large bills, please"
She looked at me and said
"I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."
When I got up off the floor I explained it to her....

IDIOT SIGHTING
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our
car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the
service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the
driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively
tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!'
His reply: 'I know. I already got that side.'
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS

IDIOT SIGHTING
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said,
'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.
He said, 'NO, it's not…four is larger than two.'
We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, 'You gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.
She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said
'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at Mickie-D's.

IDIOT SIGHTING
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
From Kingman, KS

IDIOT SIGHTING
I was at the airport checking in at the gate, when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied,
'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded,
'That's why we ask.'
Happened in Birmingham, Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded,
'What on earth are blind people doing driving?'
She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS

IDIOT SIGHTING
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully,
'This is fun. We should do this more often.'
Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.

IDIOT SIGHTING
How would you pronounce this child's name…"Le-a"?
Leah??
NO
Lee-A??
NOPE
Lay-a??
NO
Lei??
Guess Again. This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo.
Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. It's pronounced "Ledasha".
When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said,
"The dash don't be silent."
SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.
If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.

STAY ALERT!
They walk among us...and they VOTE AND HAVE CHILREN!!!!!

[jola57]

drz, you'r a sweetheart, this had me going for a while

[drz]

“Did you lose a cat?"


This is probably one of the most amazing picture of 2010!!!
http://f657.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f1996332%5fAGMJDUwAAEtsTXJs2AhW7hb O%2by8&pid=2&fid=Inbox&inline=1The pix disappeared. don't know what happened to it.

[marta]

Silly and funny and a good waste of a couple of minutes...

YouTube - Funny Talking Animals - Walk On The Wild Side - Episode Three Preview - BBC One (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQ1HKCYJM5U)

[Ginger]

One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.


"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.


OMG! drz, do you live in alberta? i read that in the newsy neighbor! i love that story, made my day

[Sangye]

I love this!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jCnAjel02lM&feature=player_embedded

[drz]

Laugh Of The Day

An elderly man in Texas had owned a large farm for several years. He
had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he
fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and
peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he
hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon
bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices
shouting and laughing with glee..

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in
his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the
deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you
leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he
said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

... Some old men can still think fast

[Palmyra]

YouTube - Goat Jumping On Bed Fail (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AWns85BSSO4)

just silly and cute...:biggrin1:

[Ginger]

Hey Dad.... this is for you -- not that you are a senior yet. This is such a "weggie" moment...

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbour and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbour asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbour decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............


(scroll down)









"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

847

[Sangye]

ROTFL Ginger/ Holly. That was hilarious! :lol::lol::lol:

[Daggar]

Penny wise.....

Note the "sponsor" -- Click on link below

Nice Smell (http://funstufftosee.com/brocolli.html)

[drz]

YOU
KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2010 when...

1. You accidentally
enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't
played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list
of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of
three.

4. You e-mail the
person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for
not staying in touch with friends and family is that they
don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in
your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is
home to help you carry in the groceries...

7. Every commercial
on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen

8. Leaving the house
without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first
20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic
and you turn around to go and get it

10. You get up in
the morning and go on line before getting your
coffee

11. You start
tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12 You're reading
this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you
know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
message.

14. You are too busy
to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually
scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this
list


~~~~~~~~~~~AND
FINALLY~~~~~ ~~~~~~~

NOW U R LAUGHING at
yourself.


Go on, forward this
to your friends. You know you want to! Go lick your
elbow. It can't be done but 75% of you will try anyway!

[Palmyra]

Ahh drz...you keep this thread alive! Thanks!

[drz]

Last night,I dreamed I saved an antelope in Africa:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bQ6AfmfgqnM

[Daggar]

Laugh for the day -- NO ONE DOES IT QUITE LIKE THE BRITS!!!

www.wimp.com/animalvoiceovers/ (http://www.wimp.com/animalvoiceovers/)

[Ginger]

actually i can lick my elbow! true story, i'll post a picture :razz:

[pberggren1]

actually i can lick my elbow! true story, i'll post a picture :razz:

Well, where's the picture?

[Palmyra]

REALLY! I want to see this too!

Thanks for all the joy on this thread :w00t:

[Sangye]

LOL Love the man saving the antelope!! :lol::lol:

[drz]

A man is sitting at home on the veranda with his wife and he says, "I love you."


She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"


He replies, "It's me............. talking to the beer."

[drz]

Well, you might have thought that you knew how the Internet
started, but here's the TRUE story ....

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did
take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she was often called....... Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband: "Why dost thou travel so far from
town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her - as though she were several saddle bags short
of a camel load - but simply said: "How, dear?"

And Dot replied: "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between
to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you
who hath the best price.

And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by.... Uriah's Pony
Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the
drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.
Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to
move from his tent.

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were
saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was called
Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a
language to transmit ideas and pictures - ......Hebrew To The People (HTTP)

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself
inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of Abraham's business.
But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted - for insider trading.

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly
take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the
deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that
enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every
drum maker in the land.

And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother
Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say: "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by
others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be
known. He said: "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot .replied: "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO", said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young.. Gregarious Energetic Educated
Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around
the countryside.
It soon became known as.... God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything
(GOOGLE).

And that is how it all began. So now you know.

[Ginger]

850these are bad pictures, but you get the jist of it haha851848

[pberggren1]

They did not work for me Holly.

[drz]

Cancel (http://ca.mc882.mail.yahoo.com/mc/compose?to=suesterfl@Cancel) your credit card before you die.

This is so priceless, and,so easy to see happening -customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.
Here is the exchange:
Family Member:'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'
Citibank:

'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:'Maybe you should turn it over to collections.'

Citibank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

Citibank:'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, Maybe both!'

Family Member: 'Do you thinkGod will be mad at her?'
Citibank :'Excuse me?'
Family Member:'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'

Citibank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'

Citibank: 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

Citibank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member:'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)

Citibank:'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member:'Sure.' (Fax number was given)

After they get the fax:

Citibank:'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great!If not, you could just keep billing her.

She won't care.'

Citibank:'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'

(What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member:'Would you like her new billing address?'

Citibank: 'That might help....'

Family Member:' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'

Citibank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member: 'And what do you do with dead people in your town???'

(Priceless!!)
And you wondered why Citibank needed help from the Feds..

[jola57]

Oh this is priceless. I can just see it happening.

[drz]

Tiny Cabin in the South....

A social worker from a big city in Massachusetts recently transferred to the mountains of Tennessee and was on a first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door. "Anybody home?" she asked.

"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.

"Is your father there?" asked the social worker.

"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid.

"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker.

"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.

"But," protested the social worker, "are you never together as a family?"

"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse!"

[drz]

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.

Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.


One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.

"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."


"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear.

It's odd though your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"


"They said, "Good morning, Admiral, can I get you coffee, sir?"

[drz]

I figured out why I've gained weight. The shampoo I use in the shower runs down my body. The label says, "for extra volume and body." YIKES!

I am going to start using Dawn dish washing soap. It says, "dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."

[Palmyra]

Today's thought.....
Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip.


In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said,
"Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test.
It's called the Triple Filter Test."
'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes
let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say..
The first filter is Truth.
Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not.
Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness.
Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes
that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued,
"You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness.
Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is
neither True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed.
This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.



It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was having an affair with his wife.

[jola57]

OK this had me chuckling:biggrin1:

[drz]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.

The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds it will cost 99 cents a word.

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly... 'com-for-da-bul.'

[Sangye]

http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2011/04/funny-pictures-cat-is-indifferent.jpg (http://www.wegeners-granulomatosis.com/forum/%3Ca%20href=)

(http://memebase.com/category/socially-awkward-penguin/)

[beeinformed]

http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2011/04/funny-pictures-cat-is-indifferent.jpg (http://www.wegeners-granulomatosis.com/forum/%3Ca%20href=)

(http://memebase.com/category/socially-awkward-penguin/)

Hi!

Love that! That's really funny!

[drz]

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. 'Young man, we're both 90 years old, ' the husband said ...'We may not have 45 minutes.' They were seated immediately.

[drz]

for all the Minnesotans and any one else who understand Minnesota humor:

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: "California archaeologists, finding traces of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

One week later, The Pioneer Press, a local newspaper in Minnesota, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Embarrass, Minnesota, Ole Olson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Minnesota had already gone wireless."

Thank Heavens for Ole.

Who said Minnesotans are hicks?

[pberggren1]

The Rules of Chocolate

1. If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

2. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices, and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

3. The Problem: How to get two pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car? The Solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

4. Diet Tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It will take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

5. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

6. If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

7. Money talks. Chocolate sings.

8. Why is there no such organizations as Chocoholics Anonymous? Because no one wants to quit!

9. Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

10. Chocolate is a health food. Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean=vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar beats or sugar cane, both vegetables. And, of course, the milk/cream is dairy. So eat more chocolate to meet the dietary requirements for daily vegetable and dairy intake!

[Sangye]

LOL I loved #6. :lol:

[Lightwarrior]

LOL, I love all of them but number nine is sooooooooooooo wise.

[pberggren1]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a hanyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had and jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the front door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the 50 dollars.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[pberggren1]

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab, I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

[pberggren1]

Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over tea.

"I do wish that my Elmer would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous."

"My Billy used to do the same thing," the older woman replied. "But I broke him of the habit."

"How?"

"I hid his teeth."

[pberggren1]

REAL CHURCH BLOOPERS:

Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.

Thusday night-potluck Supper. Prayer and medcation to follow.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.

A bean supper sill be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.

and last but not least...

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

[Sangye]

ROTFL I can't stop watching this!


http://youtu.be/rfARinT4pI8
(http://www.wegeners-granulomatosis.com/forum/%3Ciframe%20width=)

[Sangye]

Okay, lemme try it again. They canceled the link above.
YouTube - Most interesting thing I ever saw done to a dog..mp4 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3jBqgjBVAhA)

[pberggren1]

I recently did some travelling. I was in Cahoots. Once I got there it seems like you have to be there with someone. I was also in Cognito but no one recognized me there. I was in Sane too. There is no airport there and you have to have someone drive you there. I have been there several times.

[norcalian]

Phil - that church blooper list is hilarious. Thanks for posting it. I needed a good laugh.

[Palmyra]

Just for fun if you have 3+ minutes to spare:

YouTube - ‪OK Go - White Knuckles - Official Video‬‏ (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nHlJODYBLKs)

[pberggren1]

Just for fun if you have 3+ minutes to spare:

YouTube - ‪OK Go - White Knuckles - Official Video‬‏ (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nHlJODYBLKs)

Weird to say the least.

[Daggar]

Holly really likes these guys and from the videos she has shown me (This too shall pass - 2 versions) they are quite "unique"....

New Book on "HOW TO UNDERSTAND WEGENER'S"....

1256

[pberggren1]

Holly really likes these guys and from the videos she has shown me (This too shall pass - 2 versions) they are quite "unique"....

New Book on "HOW TO UNDERSTAND WEGENER'S"....

1256

The attachment didn't work for me.

[Daggar]

can you see it now? The file takes a while to come up after posting for some reason?

[Daggar]

A wee bit "dirty" but too good to pass by.... and sooooo true!!

LESSON FOR TODAY

1259

Sometimes, we try too hard to get to the greener grass.
In the process, we end up in trouble.

And when you find yourself in trouble and you're stuck in a situation that you can't get out of, there is one thing you should always remember:

Not everyone who shows up...


1260

Is there to help you!!!!

That is the end of today's lesson!

[pberggren1]

They all work now. Very dirty indeed. Shame on you. LOL

:w00t::w00t::w00t:

[drz]

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and
asked a blonde stewardess if she could put them in a freezer for him. She
took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised
her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying
frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to
rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to
say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
>
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to
the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans
please raise your hand?"
>
Not one hand went up ..... so she took them home and ate them.
>
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as many folks think they are.

Have a good day:)

[pberggren1]

That is hillarious drz! :laugh:

[MCC]

Warning! this could be the cutest thing you've ever seen! YouTube - ‪Cat mom hugs baby kitten‬‏ (http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Vw4KVoEVcr0)

[chrisTIn@]

...could be the cutest thing you've ever seen!

Too cute indeed! :smile1:

[marta]

Just had this emailed to me, and I found it funny how many things relate to Wegener's in the Winners Section:

Barb Kuhnke sent these on and they are terrific.






The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future

6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting "lucky" with a member of the opposite gender.

7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it

9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.


The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.



10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

[drz]

Good to see the pilots and control people have a sense of humor.


Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers.





Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"


Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"


___________________________________





Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."


TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"


Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"


___________________________________





O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."


United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this....I've got the little Fokker in sight."





___________________________________





A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked,


"What was your last known position?"


Student:


"When I was number one for takeoff."





___________________________________





My personal favorite





A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted:


"American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."





___________________________________





A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:


Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"


Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."


Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"


Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"


___________________________________





Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"


Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."


Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7.. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"


Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."


___________________________________





One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,


"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"


The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."


___________________________________





The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.


Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway."


Ground: "Speedbird 206.. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."


The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.


Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"


Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."


Ground (with quite arrogant impatience) : "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"


Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."





___________________________________





While taxiing at London's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.


An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"


Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:


"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"


"Yes, ma'am,"


the humbled crew responded.


Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:


"Wasn't I married to you once?"

[Sangye]

ROTFL We have the same favorite. :laugh::laugh::laugh:

[mishb]

An old farmer wrote to his son in prison.

" This year I won't be able to plant potatoes because I can't dig the ground, I know if you were here you would help me."

The son wrote back: " Dad don't think of digging the ground because that's where I buried the guns "

Police read the letter and the very next day, the whole ground was dug by police looking for guns but nothing was found.

The day after, the son wrote again " Now you can plant your potatoes dad, it's the best I could do from here"

[drz]

Some one sent me a load of lawyer jokes:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
__________________________________________________ _______________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
______________________________ _______

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

[drz]

PUNS PUNS PUNS



1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him
and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank,
proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?'
The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make
them laugh. No pun in ten did...

[mishb]

A burglar broke into a home. He heard a soft voice say,"Jesus is watching you"
Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search.
Again "Jesus is watching you".
He turned his flashlight around, saw a parrot in a cage. He asked the parrot if he was the one talking. The parrot said yes.
He asked the parrot his name the parrot said, "Moses"
The burglar asked, "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?
The parrot replied "the same kind of people who would name their doberman - Jesus"

[Sangye]

ROTFL :laugh::laugh::laugh:

[jola57]

Perfect day, sunny, lazy and funny

[mishb]

Just thought I'd pass on some totally useless, yet amusing trivia about critters:

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (O.M.G.!!!)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.... I'm still not over the pig.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home . What the...?)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.)
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing.)
A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that, too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)
I hope I made you smile (Gotta love that pig!):thumbsup::w00t::thumbsup:

[Hammy8241]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were standing looking at a prize cow in a field. The Englishman says "Look at that fine English cow." The Irishman disagreed, saying "No, it's an Irish cow." The Scotsman thought for a moment and then clinched the argument. "No, it's a Scottish cow - it's got bagpipes underneath."

[Lightwarrior]

I don't think this is a good choice of jokes, Phil. It sure didn't make me laugh.
Phil, I have to agree with Sangye.

[Hammy8241]

Nought wrong with it Phil, still try this one.

This letter was actually sent by Tesco's (superstore like Wallmart) Head Office to a customer in Oxford:
... ...
Dear Mrs. Murray,
...
Whilst we would like to thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of his actions over the past few months, all verified by our surveillance cameras: · June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking. ·July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. · July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle. · July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an Official tone, 'Code 3' in Housewares and watched what happened. · August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.. · September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove. · September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could Help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' · October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it. · October 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle, asked an assistant if he knew where the Antidepressants were. · November 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the Mission Impossible' theme. · November 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels. · November 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!' · November 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.

And; last, but not least: · November 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here'

or ..

80 percent of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage.

[pberggren1]

Thanks Hammy. I see you have a good sense of humor as well.

[Dryhill]

COMMENTS WRITTEN BY KIDS ABOUT DATING & MARRIAGE

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
Martin, age 10

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich.
Pam, age 7 (she sure has got it all worked out)

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
Anita, age 9 (bless you child )

[mishb]

Sorry, still on the bubble wrap theme I couldn't resist with this cute "rude" joke ........ it's one of my favourites

3 Frogs get arrested at the local pond. The first one walks into court and up to the judge and the judge asks "whats your name" and the frog replies "frog one",
"and what where you doing by the pond frog one" asks the judge.
"Just blowing bubbles your honor",
"well that's alright you are free to leave".

The second frog walks up to the judge and the judge asks again "whats your name" and the frog replies "frog two",
"and what where you doing by the pond frog two" asks the judge.
"Just blowing bubbles by the pond sir",
"well that's alright you are free to leave".

So the third frog walks up to the judge and the judge says "let me guess, your name is frog three?",
and the frog replies "No, my name is Bubbles".

[pberggren1]

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
...
A well-dressed, attractive and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first, then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic.

Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."

[Sangye]

ROTFL.... :laugh::laugh:

[jola57]

Phil, this is just too much, you had me crying with laughter :lol:

[pberggren1]

Another Weggie on FB posted this. I just couldn't help but laugh.

[Dryhill]

Great one Phil. :thumbup:

[KathyB]

Hysterical jokes everyone! Nice way to start the morning!

KB:thumbsup:

[Hammy8241]

Just before Xmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus all got into the lift (elevator) at the Ritz Hotel in London. As the lift travelled from the 5th floor down to the ground level, one-by-one they noticed a £50 note lying on the lift's floor.
Which one picked up the £50 note, and handed it in at reception?



Santa of course, the other two don't actually exist!


Merry Christmas

[Dryhill]

Good one Hammy.

[Lightwarrior]

Just before Xmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus all got into the lift (elevator) at the Ritz Hotel in London. As the lift travelled from the 5th floor down to the ground level, one-by-one they noticed a £50 note lying on the lift's floor.
Which one picked up the £50 note, and handed it in at reception?



Santa of course, the other two don't actually exist!


Merry Christmas


I love your sense of humor Hammy, this is really funny.

[Hammy8241]

Can Dogs get WG?

Photo Album - Imgur (http://imgur.com/a/MXRlL#YmAO0)

Having seen these I'm not too sure!:biggrin1:

[pberggren1]

Hillarious Hammy.

[Al]

Can Dogs get WG?

Photo Album - Imgur (http://imgur.com/a/MXRlL#YmAO0)

Having seen these I'm not too sure!:biggrin1:

Shall we name him Wag? His story would be, "Wag, the Wegs Tale"!

[me2]

Can Dogs get WG?

Photo Album - Imgur (http://imgur.com/a/MXRlL#YmAO0)

Having seen these I'm not too sure!:biggrin1:

If a wolf can get Lupus...

[Dryhill]

If a wolf can get Lupus...

Lol. Very clever.

[Sangye]

This is absolutely hilarious!

John Branyan - The Three Little Pigs - YouTube (http://youtu.be/OxoUUbMii7Q)

[delorisdoe]

love it...thank you. I need some cheering up.

[KathyB]

VERY funny!!

KB

[Al]

This is absolutely hilarious!

Great, Sangye--I guess there are still a few things we swinish Americans can still make...!

Al

[NicShaf]

I've seen this one before, but it makes me roll every time. #18 is my favorite...was the person who wrote this grumpy, tired and hungry from Prednisone, or what? Happy Valentine's Day everyone!

Truths:

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your
computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you
realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was
younger

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty
sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the
person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for
the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I
don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me
if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I
swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to
answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and
hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod
and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up
to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and
sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty,
and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still
not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car
keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the
Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3
feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and
the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for
men to realize that their brain is also important.

[Al]

Good stuff, Nic. Thanks for posting it!

Al

[Dryhill]

I do number fourteen on my work phone, but rather than just put the persons name it will have a foilow on to give me some idea if I want to take a job from them - "Does not tip" pretty well ensures they do not get a cab if I am busy, but if things are quiet ....... well beggers can not be chosers!

Jim

[Al]

I do number fourteen on my work phone, but rather than just put the persons name it will have a foilow on to give me some idea if I want to take a job from them - "Does not tip" pretty well ensures they do not get a cab if I am busy, but if things are quiet ....... well beggers can not be chosers!

Jim

Good, Jim. Personally, I like No. 10: Bad decisions make good stories. As I keep explaining to my wife, I'm a natural-born story teller....

Al

[KathyB]

Thanks for some LOL moments!!

KB

[Lightwarrior]

Good, Jim. Personally, I like No. 10: Bad decisions make good stories. As I keep explaining to my wife, I'm a natural-born story teller....

Al

I am a bit of a story teller also Al

[Al]

I am a bit of a story teller also Al

So you make bad decisions, too, Lightwarrior?

Al

[Geoff]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

[Geoff]

Get Ready to sing along with the punch line!!

A middle eastern king was down on his money and began to sell off his valuables. The last of these was the Star of the Euphrates, at that time the most valuable diamond in existence. He went to a pawnbroker who offered him 100,000 rials for it. "Are you crazy?", said the king. "I paid one million rials for this gem! Don't you know who I am?"

The pawnbroker replied, "When you wish to pawn a star, makes no difference who you are."

[Geoff]

1546

Hope you can see this one, just make sure you are not driving!!

[Sangye]

I'm only gonna point out that this also happens as a result of pred because some of you might have forgotten. LOL


http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=6oHBG3ABUJU&vq=medium

[Geoff]

Sadly I remembered something I had forgotten to do and missed the end of the clip...was it important??

[Sangye]

ROTFL :laugh::laugh:

[Lightwarrior]

I thought this was funny

1547

[delorisdoe]

My bosses gave me a $500.00 apple gift card for christmas last year. My plan has been to get an ipad because i usually get a 500 dollar card for the mall and one year later I am not even sure what I spent the money on. Last night my husband decides to pre order it on line. There is a part or it where you can pick a few lines to have it inscribed on the back. He asked me what I wanted. I said "i dont know, my name." so,,,he writes leigh gooch loves to !@+^ #$(* . do you think we could get that to go away? Nope. he would erase it and then as soon as we made it to the point of check out doesnt it show back up again. unfortunately you can not use a gift card on line for apple so we did not complete the order. lmfao. my husband is nothing if not funny

[pberggren1]

That's hillarious Leigh.

[Al]

I'm only gonna point out that this also happens as a result of pred because some of you might have forgotten. LOL


http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=6oHBG3ABUJU&vq=medium
Forget...what? Anyway, why is this in the Funny Stuff thread, huh...?

Geoff came up with my line first, so let me just say here that, at my age, "multi-tasking" is a serial event, not a parallel one....

Al

[delorisdoe]

My avatar is in my opinion a day in the life of someone with wegeners

[annekat]

I'm only gonna point out that this also happens as a result of pred because some of you might have forgotten. LOL


http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=6oHBG3ABUJU&vq=medium That's priceless. I only wish my house was as tidy as hers... it would make it easier to find the remote and the box of checks.

Anne

[drz]

My avatar is in my opinion a day in the life of someone with wegeners

I love it and would have taken it too If I found it first!

[Dirty Don]

My avatar is in my opinion a day in the life of someone with wegeners

LOL, a good friend sent me that a while back...my first thought was how did he know how I felt!! Great one!!!!

[Palmyra]

Just for fun....vintage funny that involves British doggies:

That's Life BBC 1986 soda water dogs (Zomergasten 2010) - YouTube (http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=f309fSTWYo4)

[Al]

Just for fun....vintage funny that involves British doggies:

That's Life BBC 1986 soda water dogs (Zomergasten 2010) - YouTube (http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=f309fSTWYo4)
This made me laugh a lot, Jane. Thanks!

[annekat]

This made me laugh a lot, Jane. Thanks! Me, too! I have some German and Japanese friends as well as dog loving friends who will get a huge laugh out of it!

Anne

[alexciasmom]

Ok its story time. My daughters girble died mind you she's 5. I got rid of the body and just whated for her to notice he was gone why I tryed to fiure out how to tell her. Well befor I fugered it out I was sitting on tolite and she came and asked me were mickey the girble was I told her he died and explained it his heart stoped she has a stethascope and know that if the heart stops your dead so she looks down at her shoes then looked up and asked if she can have a pink girble now. And when and got her sethascope lisend to my chest and told ii was not dead yet!!! Omg funny..

[annekat]

Ok its story time. My daughters girble died mind you she's 5. I got rid of the body and just whated for her to notice he was gone why I tryed to fiure out how to tell her. Well befor I fugered it out I was sitting on tolite and she came and asked me were mickey the girble was I told her he died and explained it his heart stoped she has a stethascope and know that if the heart stops your dead so she looks down at her shoes then looked up and asked if she can have a pink girble now. And when and got her sethascope lisend to my chest and told ii was not dead yet!!! Omg funny.. Funny! Kids say and do the darnedest things! I'm sorry her gerbil died.

Anne

[Palmyra]

This is old, and has to do with dogs. Enjoy!!!

Carolina Camera: The Original Motorcycle Dog - YouTube (http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=xdj67XknFrM#t=5)

[annekat]

The only thing that would make me like the dog on motorcycle even more would be if he had a helmet!

[Al]

This is old, and has to do with dogs. Enjoy!!!

Carolina Camera: The Original Motorcycle Dog - YouTube (http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=xdj67XknFrM#t=5)
May be old, but I hadn't seen it.Thanks for posting the link!

Al

[drz]

for people who like puns:






Punography



I do not enjoy computer jokes. Not one bit.

I changed my i Pod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity . I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.



They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type- O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer battery arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.



How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.



What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.



I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

[chrisTIn@]

Very, very funny. Most of them, I mean.
There are a few I didn't get, because I'm not a native speaker, but most of them I do understand and find very entertaining! :biggrin1:

[Al]

Very, very funny. Most of them, I mean.
There are a few I didn't get, because I'm not a native speaker, but most of them I do understand and find very entertaining! :biggrin1:Your English is very good, though, ChrisTin.

DRZ, these are very good. You know about the organization DAM? Mothers Against Dyslexia....

Al

[Dryhill]

Very, very funny. Most of them, I mean.
There are a few I didn't get, because I'm not a native speaker, but most of them I do understand and find very entertaining! :biggrin1:

My neighbour was born in The Netherlands, well actually Josien was, her husband (Brian) was born locally. She has lived here in England longer than she did in Holland, so as you can guess her English is very good.

I must say I do not know how I would cope without them. Thursday I came home from work and saw that Brian had come and cut my lawn, I later learnt that he had cut two other lawns that were not his and he does not want any money for doing so. Recently Brian re-felted my shed roof (with very, very little help from me), and all he wanted was a few mugs of coffee.

Jim

[pberggren1]

You have some very nice neighbours Jim. Our one neighbour was like that. Unfortunately he passed away last year from cancer.

[Dryhill]

"Our one neighbour"? Phil, are there only two homes in Swift Current?

Jim

[pberggren1]

"Our one neighbour"? Phil, are there only two homes in Swift Current?

Jim

ur 2 funny Jim

[drz]

Why do we love children?****

*1) NUDITY*****

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a
woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark
naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from
the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'****

****

*2) OPINIONS*****

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from
his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not
necessarily those of his parents.'****

****

*3) KETCHUP*****

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her
struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the
phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's
hitting the bottle.'****

****

*4) MORE NUDITY*****

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker
room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies
grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement
and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy
before?'****

****

*5) POLICE*****

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was
interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my
uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?' 'Yes,' I answered and continued
writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the
police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she
said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my
shoe?'****

****

*6) POLICE # 2*****

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the
station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking,
and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he
asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally
he said, 'What'd he do?'

[drz]

*7) ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her
staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

****

*8) DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that
suit.'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.

****

*9) DEATH






While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

****

*10) SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they
won't let me talk!'

****

*11) BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?'With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

****

*NOW IF THESE DON'T BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY, GO BACK TO BED AND FORGET IT.*****

[Dryhill]

Why do we love children?****

*2) OPINIONS*****

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from
his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not
necessarily those of his parents.'****



I should have done the same thing with my younger daughter, it would perhaps saved me a lot of grief ........... come to think of it I wonder if if it would still work even though she's 30 years old?

Jim

[Al]

....and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)


I love this. It reminds me of the funeral director for my mother. When he first showed up to take the body away, there was no question, from his professional and somber tones and elegant formal suit and tie, as to his line of work. In fact, though, he was quite a character, as we discovered as we negotiated the arrangements. He asked whether we wanted a church service. He then stated, "Well, I'm Catholic, so my funeral has to be in the church. But I'm also a car collector. I have this beautiful white '59 caddy--you know, the one with those huge fins? Mint condition. Anyway, they're gonna put me in the back seat and drive me into the church, and then we're gonna have a raffle, and one lucky mourner is gonna drive that baby home." And we thought, "Hmmm...a door prize at your funeral. How charming!"

A client of mine, famed for his stories, was dying at age 96. He had me record his voice so that he could share one last story with the assembled mourners--and the priest obliged by giving Bill the last word at his own funeral. It was a surprise to nearly everyone, and he got a very rousing send-off. He would have loved "into the hole...".

Al

[Dryhill]

THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT HERE IN OUR OWN COUNTRY!
We Must Stop This Immediately!
Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is further away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection. Well, REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the motorway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.



















Manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices? The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank. Do they think I actually 'believe' the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!

All I can do is pass along this warning:
WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!

Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.

Jim

[Al]

Ah, Jim--it is truly a battleground out there....

Al

[alexciasmom]

God definitely has a sense of humor!! I see it every time I look at my mini me! LOL She's so much like me, it's scary!

[drz]

Traffic Camera

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding... Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result.. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace... Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt..

You can't fix stupid

[onatreetop]

Those are all really truely funny! Love the seatbelt story....FYI there are cameras at tollbooths watching for cellphone users also. no kidding!!!

[drz]

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man
ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time
then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry
enough to eat 6 pieces.

[Dryhill]

Those are all really truely funny! Love the seatbelt story....FYI there are cameras at tollbooths watching for cellphone users also. no kidding!!!

It really annoys me when I see people holding a cellphone whilst driving. Most cellphones come with headphones connected by wire and it does not cost a lot of money to buy a bluetooth headset. A while back I saw a man holding a mobile in one hand and combing his hair with his other hand, now I wonder why I decided to slow down and have a BIG gap between our cars? Mind you it did show even a man can mulitask.

Jim

[drz]

To all of us with kids or grandchildren - Can't you just see this happening!

A friend hosted a dinner party for family far and wide and everyone was encouraged to bring all their children as well.

All during the sit-down dinner one four-year-old girl stared at the uncle sitting across from her.

The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.

The uncle checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at him.

He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for him.

He finally asked her "Why are you staring at me?" Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet for her response.

The little girl said, "I just want to see how you drink like a fish."

[Lightwarrior]

drink like a fish LOL, I am laughing out-loud so loud that one of the nurse poked her head in my office to see why. Thanks

[Dryhill]

Yes you can just inagine a young one sitting and staring all the time and then coming out with something like that.

I remember back in the 1970's I was working in a toy shop and nearly every week a young boy came in and bought a model kit made by Revell or Monogram. These kits were quite expensive to be bought just with pocket-money, so one Saturday I asked him how he could afford these kits. He told me that when his grandad was drunk he got extra pocket-money, I did not like to ask how much booze he was buying his grandfather.

Jim

[annekat]

Squirrel or chipmunk on prednisone!!

1643

[Dryhill]

Anne, your right the poor thing is clearly on pred, I wonder if it to is a weggie?

Jim

[Al]

The current thread on memory reminds me of a story my father-in-law told, when he was 95. (Unfortunately, he would shortly become a victim of this same condition.)

Arfin Torvald paid a visit to his friend in the retirement home apartment of his friends, the Johansons. Elmer Johanson was telling Arfin about this great great class he and his wife had been taking to improve memory. "It really works. It's all about mnemonics--you know, coming up with memory associations. The teacher is terrific!" "Sounds like a great idea," said Arnfin, "what is the guy's name?" "Um," said Elmer. "It's...it's...it's...er, what's that flower that is sometimes red and smells sweet?" Arfin thought just a second. "Uh...Rose?" "That's it!" Then he yelled into the kitchen, "Hey, Rose, what is that memory guy's name?"

Al

[Dryhill]

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . . Having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is .. . .Having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money....
At age 70 success is . .. .Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . ... Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . ..Not piddling in your pants.

Jim

[Dryhill]

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

Jim

[Al]

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

Jim

Ho.
Ho.
Ho.

Al

[Dryhill]

O.M.G., I'm rich!



Silver in the hair.

Gold in the teeth.

Crystals in the kidneys.

Sugar in the blood.

Iron in the arteries.



I never thought I'd accumulate such wealth!

Jim

[Al]

O.M.G., I'm rich!....Yes, Jim. My parents, who found work during the Great Depression, always insisted that "wealth is where you find it." Thing is, nowadays, I have to look in the darndest places....

Al

[Dryhill]

Yes, Jim. My parents, who found work during the Great Depression, always insisted that "wealth is where you find it." Thing is, nowadays, I have to look in the darndest places....

Al

Al, there is a Yorkshire saying that goes something like "where there is muck there is brass", sorry I cannot do their dialect. The reference to brass, as I am sure you know, is to money.

Jim

[Al]

Al, there is a Yorkshire saying that goes something like "where there is muck there is brass", sorry I cannot do their dialect. The reference to brass, as I am sure you know, is to money.

Jim
...And, Jim, some enterprising entrepreneurs have figured out that there is brass in muck. Just ask my gastroenterologist.

Al

[Dryhill]

The Stranger
A few years after I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family. The stranger was quickly accepted and was around from then on.

As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind, he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors: Mom taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey. But the stranger... he was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries and comedies.



If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future! He took my family to the first major league ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind.

Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet. (I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)

Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them. Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home - not from us, our friends or any visitors. Our long time visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush. My Dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol but the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly, and pipes distinguished. He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing..

I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked... And NEVER asked to leave.

More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first. Still, if you could walk into my parents' den today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures.







His name?....

We just call him 'TV.'


He has a wife now....we call her 'Computer.'

Their first child is "Cell Phone".





Second child "I Pod "



And JUST BORN THIS YEAR WAS a Grandchild

IPAD

[drz]

The ability to make and understand puns is considered to be the highest level of language development. Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest:

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron," The other says, "are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8.. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.

[annekat]

And JUST BORN THIS YEAR WAS a Grandchild
IPAD


Heh, heh.... I am currently in the market for an iPad.....

[Dirty Don]

Heh, heh.... I am currently in the market for an iPad.....

Take a good look at the Ipad 3 (32gb) after this fall if you can wait. As the new IOS6 comes into the market, the prices will drop on the current Ipads...and they ARE nice!

[annekat]

Thanks, Don, I'll give that some thought... but I'm probably going to buy an iPad2 with 3G because it fits in with my needs for accepting credit cards in my pottery booth.... I'd like to have the newest and greatest but I really can't afford it.

[drz]

So how many here have an Ipad that has Facetime or Skype? How many use those video chat programs regularly?

[Palmyra]

I use Skype, and have for several years. I use it on both my desktop and laptop. My daughter uses it regularly on her phone...

[drz]

You think English is easy??









I think a retired English teacher was bored.






THIS IS GREAT! Read all the way to the end.................
This took a lot of work to put together!


You think English is easy??


1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture..

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert..

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

[drz]

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig..

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ?

[drz]

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which live
an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its
family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate
contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family
and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their
vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird
to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:


"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

Then, they kick him in the ice hole.

*You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did
you?

[Dryhill]

WHY GOD MADE MOMS (or even Mums!!):
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.


How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the
world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I
think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me.

What kind of a little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on
beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot .
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
4. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work, and work at home, and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's
who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.


What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.


What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it not
me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes in the back of her head.

Jim

[Dryhill]

AT FIRST THE STORY SEEMS NASTY BUT PLEASE STICK WITH IT, THE MORAL APPLIES TO US

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well.. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Jim

[Sangye]

We need a "Love" button, not just "Like." Perfect timing for me, Jim. Thank you so much.

[Sangye]

I shared this story with a friend on FB who wrote " And then the donkey lured the farmer to another nearby well and kicked him in." http://www.smileyhut.com/laughing/rofl.gif (http://www.smileyhut.com)

[Dryhill]

I shared this story with a friend on FB who wrote " And then the donkey lured the farmer to another nearby well and kicked him in." http://www.smileyhut.com/laughing/rofl.gif (http://www.smileyhut.com)

The original ending has the donkey biting the farmer and the bite becomes infected and he dies. Which gives another moral of "your actions may come back and bite you". However I like your friends ending better.

Jim

[Sangye]

LOL That was quite the morality tale! hahaha

[annekat]

Did someone mention memory problems on here?

1657

[Dryhill]

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

[Dryhill]

Dementia Test -- only 4 questions:

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to the last test. Some may think it is too easy but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty. Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.



1. What do you put in a toaster?


Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast' give up now and do something else…
If you said, bread, go to Question 2.

2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question.
Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat.
However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and
a blue house is made from blue bricks and
a pink house is made from pink bricks and
a black house is made from black bricks,
what is a green house made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.
If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these???
If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.


4. Without using a calculator -
You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales .
In London , 17 people get on the bus.
In Reading , 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.
In Swindon , 2 people get off and 4 get on.
In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Swansea , 3 people get off and 5 people get on.
In Carmathen, 6 people get off and 3 get on.
You then arrive at Milford Haven...

Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?


Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own age...
It was YOU driving the bus!

[Dryhill]

Now that I'm "older" (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:



1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.



10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

16. It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after..

19. Funny, I don't remember being ... absent-minded.

Jim

[Dryhill]

I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

Jim

[annekat]

I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

Jim Good one, Jim.

[annekat]

I wonder where you get this stuff, Jim, whether people send it to you or you have to search for it. It probably isn't all "British humor", although I think some of it is.... and I like it. I am genetically more than half British as my dad's parents were born and raised in England. On my mother's side, there is definitely also a good deal of English, Scotch, and Irish.

[Dryhill]

Anne, I some friends that have decided if there is nothing they can do to actually make me better, then they can make me feel better. Having said that here is another lot that might bring a smile to your face, these are all people that have been on UK quiz programmes:-






BBC NORFOLK







Stewart White:





Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?







Contestant:





I don't know.







Stewart White:





I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?







Contestant:





Arm







Stewart White:





Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?







Contestant:





Strong.







Stewart White:





Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?







Contestant:





Louis







Stewart White:





Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?







Contestant:





Frank Sinatra?


















BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )







DJ Mark:





For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?







Ruth from Rowley Regis:





I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?













GWR FM ( Bristol )







Presenter:





What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?







Contestant:





I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.














RICHARD AND JUDY







Richard:





Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?







Contestant:





Forrest Gump.













NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)







Question:





What is the world's largest continent?







Contestant:





The Pacific.













ROCK FM ( PRESTON )







Presenter:





Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.







Contestant:





Who Framed Roger Rabbit?














JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)







James O'Brien:





How many kings of England have been called Henry?







Contestant:





Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three?














CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )







Chris Searle:





In which European country is Mount Etna ?







Caller:





Japan.







Chris Searle:





I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.







Caller:





Er ........ Mexico ?


















THE VAULT







Melanie Sykes:





What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?







Contestant:





Nostalgia.














STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)







Wright:





Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?







Contestant:





Jesus.








It seems anyone can have a bad day!

Jim

[Fran]

Jim, These made me laugh 'til I cried - thanks, I needed that !!

Fran

[annekat]

Jim, that's funny, my first thought was Sinatra, although of course I know it was Louis. The rest I'll read later, when I have time!

[annekat]

I've had time to read them all now...... wow, and I thought Americans were ignorant.... very funny!