Not getting the chance to give birth

[Miranda]

I just got the news last month that was not able to have kids. My ovaries are done due to the chemo drug cytoxan. Premature menopause. My husband and i always new there could be a chance but was not expecting to be on the drug for 6 years until a few months ago. With a new doctor and rituxan an infusions I thought hey let's see where I am at now that I am off that awful drug. I hadn't had a period for several months so I knew it wouldn't be a great chance. Just hearing those words really hurt. I am never going to be able to give my husband a son or daughter made from "us". It's a struggle and we know there is adoption and we eventually will probably choose that but not for a few more years. I hang out with 3 girlfriends who are my sisters basically and each one of them are pregnant with their first child and all together lets just say it's killing me. Sorry for the deep topic but was hoping there was someone who can relate?!


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[BookNut]

Miranda...I have never experienced this kind of hurt. I am SO sorry that you are facing this, and I hope that you will soon find someone who will understand your pain and give you the kind of support you need. Please accept my prayers for healing.

[Alysia]

I understand your pain. I am sorry.
Docs are not God. who knows ? I know a lady who was told that she cannot bring kids, because of early menopause at age 26. she ignored the docs, and got pregnant with twins. you are still young. maybe it takes time to clean the body from the toxic med.... maybe not....
even if you will have to adopt a kid, he will be blessed to have you as a mother.
hugs.

[vdub]

I have to agree with Alysia. I have a friend who had testicular cancer when he was in his teens. Hes was told he would never have kids. His daughter's birthday is next month (Feb). Sometimes amazing things happen, so don't give up. How many of us have been told we are supposed to be dead by now?

[Velma]

I was told at age 24 that I would not have any other children ( I had 3 year old twins and a newborn at the time of diagnosis). I was okay with that but then surprise, surprise, 6 years later while taking Methotrexate and having the missed periods, just like you, I become pregnant. Note we weren't trying to have any other children but I said in my heart, "If I could I would try..and then Baby #4 was born almost 16 years ago and she is my miracle baby and the Grace of God. Accept what the doctors say but in your heart never give up hope because you never know what miracle is right around the corner. I think once you accept things as they are and focus on what is happening now with the flicker of hope in the back of your mind that maybe one day, Lord willing, you might get to have another child then the stress will leave and peace will come. I will be praying with others for you and wish you all the peace and comfort possible. Take care.

[mishb]

I'm sorry Miranda.

I am thankful that I had my children before diagnosis but I feel terribly for those younger who are just starting or wanting to start families.

I also know of a young girl that this happened to (due to CTX) and when she was in her twenties, a good friend or sister (I can't remember) offered a donor egg to her and her husband. As a result, she gave birth to a lovely girl, who is now about 9 years old.

There are ways and means to have a pregnancy and I send the best of wishes to you :hug1:

[annekat]

Miranda, I'm so sorry that you were on CTX for 6 years and have received this news. That length of time on CTX is WAY over the top, but I understand that what's done is done. My sympathy and prayers for peace are with you. I hope that the stories above will give you some encouragement that the "impossible" may be possible.

[Debbie C]

Miranda,there is not much more I can say that others already have. Its hard to believe they had you on ctx that long. But on the other note like everyone else has said don't give up on your dreams,miracles happen when you least expect them. And we all know drs. have been wrong before.

[Yvonnea]

Hi Miranda,

I feel your pain. It has been 10 years since I was diagnosed and treated with cyclo. Luckily still have regular periods, but have not yet managed to have a healthy pregnancy. On a more positive note, there are many women in our shoes that have miracles every day. Check out the Vasculitis, Pregnancy and Motherhood facebook page, hopefully the stories on there will give you hope and inspiration.
We are looking to either foster (can't adopt in Sweden because of having a chronic health condition!) or egg donation. Once you process this shocking news from Doctor you will see there are many options for you to build your dream family. I wish you and your husband the very best of luck. Be kind to yourself. Yvonne x

[Miranda]

Thank you all for your positive and encouraging words! Some of your stories def inspire me and gives me some hope. There are options out there and we will explore them and yes God has a path for us and we trust him!


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[savedbygrace]

Hey, I just wanted to say thank you ALL of you who posted, and for Miranda who went out on a limb and asked this question.

I am 29 years old and had a bad reaction to Rituximab, and so had to go on Cytoxan a second time. I was only on it 1 year total, and seven years of Methotrexate total. When the doc said I was "in menopause" last year I completely and utterly devastated. I had wanted a family so badly-- more than anything I wanted to give my husband children and raise them! And give my parents grandchildren.

It's amazing how I had felt so strong having survived Wegeners, unphased even, accepting my life as it was, and my "second chance" God gave me. But the moment they told me that... all the "puzzle pieces" of menopause came together and I just lost it! It was like I'd lost my best friend... and the little ones in my dreams!

If any of you have seen "Steel Magnolias"... I was Sally Fields in the funeral scene. That was me to a T. All the stages of grief flashed out, and I couldn't believe myself or how terrible I felt and thought.

Yet I knew it was coming, as it comes for all women. I just didn't know how emotional I would get. At age 28-29, all my friends and my close family (girl cousins) are pregnant with multiple children. So just MENTION the word pad or period and I'd cry.

But while I'm feeling this and experiencing this... and the challenges there is a hope that these other members have already expressed.

Miranda, since you're picture shows a cross, I feel it would be permissible even with the forum rules, to write to you about what my hope looks like.

Every time I get lost in a sea of grief, I think about Sarah and Hannah. I remember that I believe in a God who can create something out of nothing, and even open wombs that are shut. Like, REALLY shut! haha. And I thank the Lord that he put those stories in the Word, because without them it'd be hard connect that hope to my personal situation, or to believe that it is right to hope for something specifically. And yet it is! Even if I adopt or foster, or donate my lifes work to children, it's just knowing that God is in control, and that i can trust Him with my petitions for pregnancy with my husband's children and know that God hears it and takes all of it to heart... it comforts me in a way that NOTHING else can comfort me. And I have to remind myself of it often, else I veer off track into that despairing grief.

I apologize for the length of this post, but I want Miranda to know-- no she is not alone. I am here, standing with you.

And I'm KEEPING my hope chest of things I've collected for baby.

If I am blessed with a child, or whatever happens, I will come back and tell the support forum. Because miracles do happen. Thank God for them!