Loosing my mind, feeling guilty

[delorisdoe]

Hi

its been two weeks tomorow since my neighbour went into cardiac arrest in his driveway and I did cpr resulting in him living instead of dying. It took a bit longer but he is now home.

He he has suffered some short term memory loss that his wife says they are certain he is recovering from.

I bounce between feeling guilty guilty for not doing good enough and crying sporadically because I just can't get the image of him lying there dead while I did cpr. It is pretty much all I think of. It was getting a bit easier to let go until he came home.

I was was spying on his wife when she pulled up and he stepped out of the truck and walked into the house. Never even glanced our way. Now I get it and I think I am ok with him not remembering yet that we saved his life. His wife said if you ask him why he is in the hospital his answer was " I think I hit my head".

What at I am having trouble with is I have not yet seen him since. I can't help but feel that if I could just say hi and have a short convo about the weather even I may feel better. If you google saving someone's life with cpr you read about it being amazing and life altering. My life has sure been altered alright. 24/7 I am thinking of it, replaying it etc. I wake up and I look out the window for ambulances.

Today while ole I was at work my husband did not respond to my text so I panicked that he had died alone with nobody to try to save him.

I would if if I could spy on them so I could just happen to be in the drive way when he was just so I could get the image of him from our last meeting out of my head but I don't want my family to know how crazy I am.

I have have watched every episode of greys anatomy I can remember that a popular character has died in just to help me cry. Apparently I only tear up when it's inapropriate

it is not as easy as just going over and knocking on their door as I never did this before and it would be awkward plus, I don't think people are supposed to overload him with trying to make him remember certain things. I would not know what to say. Yesterday I had no butter and I considered asking to borrow but that would have been too obvious.

One last thing. We had a snow fall two days ago and after it was done falling her brother and her nephew came and shoveled and plowed the drive way. Our bottom half of our driveway is shared and the brother and nephew only plowed there half. Would have taken them 30 seconds to do our half. I got really mad because when he was being treated in the drive way his wife called these exact two people over and the nephew was devastated, crying etc at what seemed like the loss of his uncle. I saved his uncles life and he could not be bothered to plow the bottom of my drive way.


I feel feel guilty for being angry but anger feels more sand than anything else I have felt for the last two weeks. I also feel guilty for that.

I suck!

[mishb]

Leigh, you certainly don't suck and you have nothing to feel guilty about - you are amazing.

I think you are going through all of the usual emotions that one goes through, but I think you will need to speak to someone about them.

Even emergency services officers go through the same thoughts and concerns but the only difference between them and you is that they have a debriefing every time they come back from a job that involves something like this. They also have a great downtime service or someone they can talk to when it gets too hard.

Please speak to someone so that it doesn't cause health issues (more) that could be avoided.

I'm sending some cyber hugs to you :hug1::hug2::hug1:

[godgirl]

Leigh.

I completely agree with Michelle. You do NOT suck. How could you? You saved a life! That, my friend, is amazing.

You may be feeling bad, confused, conflicted, scared, etc, but again, like Michelle said, these are normal.

My younger sister was an emergency medical technician for 10 years - at least. Every time they had a bad call, they had a debriefing back at the firehouse. EVERY TIME. Not just once in a while, but every time it happened. And yeah, that kind of stress can make you a bit crazy. They also had a 24 hr call in line for them to talk to someone if they needed to.

I'm telling you that because you DIDN'T have any kind of debriefing. You didn't have anyone to call. Obviously, these feelings are normal - or they don't wouldn't offer those services to emergency personnel.

I'm wondering... You don't know how to approach them. My guess? They might not know how to solve the awkwardness, either. What about making a heart healthy casserole or something and taking it over to them? It might open the lines of communication. Ask to see him. Ask if they need anything.

And most of all, go talk to someone about this. Seriously. Therapy can be so good for you - and you don't want to go on feeling this way, right? Help yourself this time.

And once again. You don't suck. :)

Jen

[Pete]

I agree with both Michelle and Jen. You really need to talk this out with someone. You're OK. You did the right thing. The patient lived. Hope things get better.

[MikeG-2012]

Every time they had a bad call, they had a debriefing back at the firehouse. EVERY TIME. Not just once in a while, but every time it happened. And yeah, that kind of stress can make you a bit crazy. They also had a 24 hr call in line for them to talk to someone if they needed to.


Maybe go visit the ENT or fire station that dispatched to the call and talk to those people. I am sure they will understand and can give you some insight.

[delorisdoe]

So I just came home from driving my daughter to work to tell my husband that I rearended somebody. Yup damaged my bumper. Best day ever, and I am being one hundred percent serious. As I was showing my husband my neighbour came out of his house and made a b-line for me and hugged me. Said thank you cried and said he doesn't know what other words to say. His short term memory is in perfect shape! I think I will now be able to cry for real without the help of Greys anatomy.

[Pete]

That's great!! Hugs have curative powers. :)

[ozterry]

That's wonderful news, except about the bumper damage. :) Hope you can finally settle now.

[mishb]

So I just came home from driving my daughter to work to tell my husband that I rearended somebody. Yup damaged my bumper. Best day ever, and I am being one hundred percent serious. As I was showing my husband my neighbour came out of his house and made a b-line for me and hugged me. Said thank you cried and said he doesn't know what other words to say. His short term memory is in perfect shape! I think I will now be able to cry for real without the help of Greys anatomy.

I was crying reading this - first for your bumper mishap, I thought can it get any worse for poor Leigh, then for the neighbour coming out of his house and hugging you :hug3:
Surely this made your day afterall.

Still talk everything over with your husband and maybe your neighbour and it will be a lot easier to get some sleep.

[delorisdoe]

At my work everyone knows not to hug me but honestly I just keep wanting to knock on his door and do it again. He is a piece of me now. A very important piece of me.

[renidrag]

I agree with Mike, you could go to the local firehouse and tell someone there your feelings. They will know what to do and recognize them as real, they have been there. Best to you and your car Leigh. Had to edit to remind you also that you do not suck.
Dale

[spiritscript]

So happy to hear this! :)


So I just came home from driving my daughter to work to tell my husband that I rearended somebody. Yup damaged my bumper. Best day ever, and I am being one hundred percent serious. As I was showing my husband my neighbour came out of his house and made a b-line for me and hugged me. Said thank you cried and said he doesn't know what other words to say. His short term memory is in perfect shape! I think I will now be able to cry for real without the help of Greys anatomy.