What would you do ???

[Debbie C]

I am in a position that I don't know which way to turn. I live with my 86 yr old mother who suffers from high blood pressure and severe back pain after 4 sugeries gone bad. So she is not doing well. I also live with my sister who is 66 and 64 yr old brother. My brother and I moved back from Fl. to help my mother after my father passed away and my sister lived with her after she bought this house that is too big for then to take care of. Well the house is becoming smaller and smaller.My sister a.k.a. "the princess" thinks she owns the place and does nothing to help and anything she wants. I have not spoke a word to her in 2 months. And my brother always sides with her on everything and my mother doesn't say a word because she doesn't want to start trouble. So here I am a.k.a. " the bitch". I can not take this way of living any more. My other sister and her boyfriend are going back to Fl. in Oct for the winter and live at his house,so she said I can stay at her house as long as I want. I want to go Soooo bad because I can not handle the stress here anymore but than I think God gave this time to be with my mother and help her.I feel like I am stuck and it is making me sick and no one even cares about the fact I have Wegeners. Whenever I had to go to the e.r. I had to drive myself, whenever I was admitted they never called or came to see me. I just need to get away and I fear if I do than something will happen to my mother and I'll hate myself for not being here. Sorry to take up this space I needed to vent actually I need to SCREAM but it wouldn't do any good ...I tried. Thanks ya'll for listening:sad:

[BrianR]

Given the brief description of your situation, my advice, for whatever its worth, is to take your sister up on her offer and move into her house. You said want to " go sooo bad" so that's what you should do. Period. It will be better for everyone and, above all else, do not feel guilty. To me, this is a no brainer. The only thing holding you back is your own conscience but everyone will be better off.

Brian

[Debbie C]

The reason I feel guilty is because I lived in Fl. when my father was ill and no one told me how bad he was until I got a call at work saying I better come home. I saw him in the hosp. 5 min before he died. I don't want to do that with my mother.

[pberggren1]

Sorry for what Deb? We are family, that is what we are here for.

Ditto to what Brian said. You need to destress for a while so you don't have a break down. You can't be there for your mom 24/7 anyway, it is just physically impossible.

Now, your mom own's the house? The sister that is the real bitch, what does she do? Sounds like she is a freeloader.

It's not like your mom is going to be alone. The princess will be there, not sure what she actually does or contributes but maybe she could answer the phone and then your brother is there as well.

[annekat]

I agree you should move into your sister's house. You will still be close enough to your mother to see her and help take care of her? Then you will have someplace to go home to and get away from the stress and have some peace.

[Alysia]

Hi Debra.
You are a good and devoted daughter. I understand why you hesitate. you don't want to "abandon" you mom in her last years and then feel guilty about it. guilt make us sick.
is you sister's house close enough to that of your mom ? can you still take care of her ?

[gilders]

Hi Debra,
My mum is going through a fairly similar thing with her mum (my Grandma) and her three sisters (my aunties). Without boring you with all the details my mum is 61, she works full time and has various health issues including auto-immune diseases. Her sisters work part time, with one not working at (due to another auto-immune disease, Lupus).
She does 90% of my Gran's care, compared to the other 3 sisters sharing the remaining the other 10%. She rarely gets any thanks from my gran and can never please my gran. Her sister's visit my gran and she has a totally different attitude towards them and showers them in gifts (usually money).

She went to the Drs last week due to pains in the chest. The Dr explained that she needs to slow down and cut her stress levels. Her sisters don't care and use the excuse that they can't help out more because of their children and they live further away. It is true they live further away, but it's only 1 1/2 miles andthey drive. My mum lives within walking distance, but doesn't drive, so in reality she is about 2mins closer. It's also true that they have children, but they are all teenages or in their early 20's.

Do not let this issue get to the point where it is with my mother (although it already sounds close). There is still your other sister there and brother, so your mum will not be abandoned!

You can still visit and help out if you moved in to your sisters. Due to past experience with WG relapses, I'm certain stress helps to trigger it. If you stay there, then you're likely to end up having a flare or heart attack and then you're going to be no use at all inn hospital.

Get out of there. Even if just fro a month or 2 to recharge your batteries. In the long run having a break will not only help you, but it will mean you are able to help your mum with lots of enthusiasm and perhaps little miss princess will start to appreciate how much you do.

My mum cares too much about what her sisters will think of her (even though they don't give a #@$%), she doesn't even relax on her yearly holiday. Don't end up like my mum, I'm sure she's going to have some sort of breakdown or heart attack in the near future.

[Wegetarian]

I'd move in an instant. Sounds like some time in peace could do good for you.

[Titus3:2]

Stress could make your WG worse or possibly cause it to flare.You should take your sister up on her offer.

[mishb]

Look at it as a holiday Deb.

Go and stay at your sisters while she is down in Florida, it will do you a world of good.

It may even take some of the stress of the others - I don't really mean that.......what stress are they having :unsure: What I really mean to say is that maybe then, they will realise what you did for your mum and they will have to step up and help out whilst you are not there.
You should however, keep dropping in on your mum (for your own peace of mind) for a cuppa and a chat, and then go back to the other house to relax.

Imagine what you could do, without the others hassling you :wink1:

DO IT :biggrin1:

[drz]

Look at it as a holiday Deb.

Go and stay at your sisters while she is down in Florida, it will do you a world of good.

It may even take some of the stress of the others - I don't really mean that.......what stress are they having :unsure: What I really mean to say is that maybe then, they will realise what you did for your mum and they will have to step up and help out whilst you are not there.
You should however, keep dropping in on your mum (for your own peace of mind) for a cuppa and a chat, and then go back to the other house to relax.

Imagine what you could do, without the others hassling you :wink1:

DO IT :biggrin1:

I like the idea of coming to see your mother as a visitor and not as the primary care giver. Let the others step up for awhile and carry their share too. Your turn to play visiting princess.

[Debbie C]

Thanks everyone for your input and for being more understanding than my own family...the problen is its would be a couple thousand miles away,so I wouldn't be able to just drop in. But I definatetly think I need to get away ,even if it's for awhile, because I feel like I am ready to have a breakdown ,all I do is cry anymore. My sister told me last nite she wished I would just keel over and die and never wants to speak to me again.She is the only one of us kids that had kids herself and she is back seeing her ex-husband.But she won't move out cuz she has it too good here...She watches her grandkids during the day and comes home to supper ready. So she said her family comes first no matter what. And it seems what ever she says around her goes, no one wants to stand up to her except me.

[andrew]

Deb. Get out of there. There are times in life when it's good to be selfish!! You need to look after number 1. No one else is going to do it for you.

[gilders]

OK. I see it's not as simple if it's a couple of thousand miles away. But a month's break will hopefully be long enough for your sis and bro to realise what you do and hopefully long enough for you to return with a bit more sanity and a little more recharged.

Your sister can't moan about you not been there for a month, after all if you took her advice and keeled over and died, you'd be gone much longer than a month.

Although your mum doesn't like to say anything in case it "kicks off", she surely must know how you're been treated and would probably support you in a decision to have a break. If she doesn't support your decision she doesn't deserve your help anyway (hope that didn't sound too harsh).

Please go before things get any worse.

[mishb]

Deb. Get out of there. There are times in life when it's good to be selfish!! You need to look after number 1. No one else is going to do it for you.


It must be an Aussie thing because I was going to say - Deb, get out of there :tongue1:

You certainly don't need this.

The only thing for you to really think about is mum and you - don't even worry about what the others think.
This question I ask........and I don't mean this to be in a horrible sounding way.........is mum at the end of her time? meaning are you thinking that she doesn't have a week or two left and you want to spent every moment with her?
It's a really difficult thing to think about and it would literally kill me if I wasn't around - however, we are thinking of you for a moment - do you think one week away will be okay?
Think about it on a week by week basis.....maybe a month or more is too much - even though you definately deserve it.

It would certainly make the rest of your family step up and take care of mum. Maybe have a chat to mum when the others aren't around - she may even like it if you took some YOU time.

[Debbie C]

Thanks you guys for caring about my well being, I am actually sitting here crying reading this because it makes me feel good that someone actually cares and not calling me a whinny bitch and wishes I was dead.

Michelle, she isn't so bad that she won't last awhile but with the holidays coming up ,I really don't know if she'll be around next year..so the timing is rough..I think it is a matter of how much longer I can take this.:sad:

Nice pic Andrew..thanks for the advise (and everyone else ) ..I do think it's time I look at my signiture and start dancing in the rain !! Or should I say some Fl. sunshine. I just hope I can follow thru with it.

Love you guys:love:

[drz]

Deb. Get out of there. There are times in life when it's good to be selfish!! You need to look after number 1. No one else is going to do it for you.

In a similar situation I was convinced to leave when my health care director whom I highly trust put it too me "How much will you be able to help someone else if you end up sick again spending several months in the hospital." If you don't take care of yourself you won't be of much use to anyone else either. Also think about how the stress for you might be impacting your mother too. She must be aware of the conflict and stress in the family too. So getting yourself out of the situation might be of great benefit to her too.

[Alysia]

Hi Debra.
we love you too :love: we are your family not less then them.
can your mom come with you ?